Am I isolating myself for God's sake?

Jeremiah 15:17, I did not sit in the company of revelers, nor did I rejoice;  I sat alone, because your hand was upon me, for you had filled me with indignation. (ESV)

JEREMIAH—NOTE ON 15:17 Jeremiah took no part in the nation’s sin (Ps. 1:1). sat alone . He was isolated because of his commitment. (ESV Study Bible)

Jeremiah was struggling to be God's messenger as he was to speak and go against the norms and sins of Judah. The people were giving him a hard time and wasn't listening to him and had been mean to him because of that message. Jeremiah, however, was wondering/complaining why he had to suffer more than Judah even though he was fearfully and faithfully following God's commands and not at yoke with the unbelieving crowd. Jeremiah isolated himself because of his commitment.

God rebuked Jeremiah for his envying evil people, complaining his life was worse than the evil people. God said if he repented he will restore Jeremiah.

I need to do that too. My life right now is a mess. It felt God was ignoring me just as the people ignored me, too. My spiritual parents failed and turned to be wolves in sheep's clothing.

Am I isolating myself for God's sake?

Four & a half years ago, I left home to move to another city. To start building my life: to work, to have a career, to settle here, to make this city as my home base if I travel to other countries for missions, and to also hoping to expand God's kingdom by making Him known or be magnified by people...

Sadly, it turned the opposite. I see sin and people's desires more than them wanting to fearfully follow God, including my ex-sprititual parents. And I struggle to have a career, to settle here, and I don't find a "home" or belonging, including a church.

I left my first job in a "Christian" seminary because that place was so isolated from the world, meaning I live inside the campus, I barely see the residents (students and teachers/staff) mingle with the outside world. I wondered how was I going to grow and practice faith and sharing God outside. I also didn't like the job. I isolated myself from that place because I thought I couldn't "do" my commitment with God and wanted to be in the outside world and to teach.

I then moved close to my spiritual mom (who however forbid me to go to her house) and worked as an English as Foreign Language Instructor (which I thought was God's gift of teaching for me because I enjoyed teaching and being with people). Since moving to this city, I went to church with my spiritual mom and joined a ministry with her. However, things turned so bad that my spiritual mom started to become to toxic and mean to me. I also wasn't allowed or disproved to meet create and gather a small group of disabled/depressed/lonely people. My spiritual mom would often watch over me and when I make "autistic mistakes", she would be angry at me, she wouldn't even believe her rebukes, expectations, judgments/accusations outweighs her "love" and commendation and were harming me. She ignored when I didn't feel well or was needing her. She didn't like people to depend on her and she began ignoring me. (Ironically, I didn't even want her to always watch me for my mistakes). She finally showed she didn't want me (she had a love-hate on me) by continuosly blaming me that this was my fault. I lost my trust on her. I got autistic burnout and was got tired.  Before I decided to leave church, I felt there was a spirit of excellence lurking in that church and I was sure I wouldn't belong there because I would often commit "mistakes". If I continue to attend there, was I to avoid her, what if she'd continue scolding me or if she ignored me, what if the people would question me, what would I say and I couldn't lie. I couldn't look at her straight in the eye either so I left. I left the church and later moved away from my spiritual mom (as she was neglecting and ignored me anyway and I hated the traffic to work). I isolated myself because I didn't know what I was supposed to do and wasn't learning God stuff that much.

(I'm already getting tired telling this story again and again.....because this isn't resolved. She still wouldn't think she did something wrong, or maybe she did but she's not repenting. Even if I forgive her, it still hurts. And I still have to stay away from her. So much for a 2nd mom, who said wouldn't leave and forget me. Yes, she's not forgetting me in memory, but she has abandoned me, left me, disapeared from my life. I was unwanted and forgotten.)

I then moved to my spiritual dad's church. Long story short, he taught me sex real-time. He coerced me to learn it like that to help me understand. He taught me a lie that what we were doing was okay. What he taught on the pulpit was different from the several things he taught me. He was teaching me the world. He also kept cutting me off, blamed me. And when he wanted or I wanted him back because I wanted relationship and needed a 2nd dad, he gave me conditions which included that I had to give in to his will and obey him. I was naive, I didn't know much. I was getting confused, but I believed him, and I was looking up to him as my 2nd dad. I thought he was just being a father figure. After several cycles of being cut off, get back, everything went fine, then insisted to do his sex will, then I become whiny on many things, he got tired of me, then cut me off, and so on went the cycle. He kept accusing me and told me I was delusional and needed to take meds. But I later had enough of it and wondered his teachings (sexual and theological) on the pulpit, to others, and to me were so inconsistent. I began to find no respect on him and stopped listening to his sermons or joining the small groups. I'm isolating from that church because I can't follow someone like that, and I'm in a dilemma about this situation, if I tell the truth, people might turn against me, wouldn't believe me, and he could lie that could harm me even more, if I don't, people are going to question my aloof behavior and I wouldn't be able to speak honestly but excuses.

I, unfortunately, still co-own a business with him and his daughter because I still need it, I don't have a replacement and struggling to have a replacement. I also find others unsupportive or is it just me because I was made this way. I also left work because of the pandemic and because I got tired talking and being with people. I now don't like to be around people and I'm not ready for 2021 (wishing it won't come). I've isolated myself from people because I lost myself and have been judged, betrayed, accused, and not anymore comfortable around them nor able to trust.

I have gone so far from the original me who started this journey.

Am I isolating myself for God's sake?

What am I supposed to do if I am not isolating myself for God's commitment?

A Christian with High Functioning Autism

There have been changes in my life the past year and since I last wrote in this blog.

It's difficult to keep up writing especially when thoughts are shambled. If I start one blog post, more comes and I don't stop.

Reentry from China has been difficult, and I've been away for more 19 months now. Finally found a book about ReEntry by Peter Jordan. It mentioned something unfortunate about reentry:

The pressure of re-entry have the unfortunate tendency to push you in the opposite direction to where you want to go. Instead of pushing you closer to God, re-entry stress tends to push you away from Him.

I'm now in another city from my passport country. Hoping to start over, but with the help of my
spiritual mum. So yeah, I'm now in my spiritual parents' city.

Other changes? My spiritual dad left me, gave up on me. I've been making lots of mistakes, especially mistakes that I have no control making. I also went to meet a neuropsychiatrist and psychologist to have myself a formal diagnosis for high-functioning autism, at least I got ruled out from ADHD and Schizoid Personality Disorder. I'm still waiting for the results, hopefully I get the answers I need to also help me find help with my socio-communication troubles, including keeping up with finding or maintaining a job, and surviving post-graduate studies with all its research papers and more papers. Troubles also like Executive Functioning Disorder that is very evident in my present job (which was recommended by my spiritual dad but he left so he wouldn't help me anymore), echolalia (which turned out bad that I used an internet source to explain to my spiritual dad that I can't give to his choice of church yet...but I actually mean that I want to pray for it yet and talk it with my spiritual mum because we plan to give 10% to my home church), and hyperlexia (able to read a lot, but unable to properly explain, summarize, comprehend, and write down those thoughts).

Some blessings from 2016? I won a million bucks. I remember praying to God a month before I left China to teach me how to manage and handle money if I become a steward of His money. A year later, he gave 1M. However, there were consequences: family wanted the money, my spiritual dad wanted me to give me to his friends' church asap, relationship with my spiritual mum, I think, became shaky too (I was afraid she'd leave me too).

So... Questions. Will I eve get a higher education? Will I become part of the the fulltimers? Will I become a missionary?

1. God sent me in cursed ways, so He could show His Greatness to me.
2. Though being rejected many times, God did not reject me to know Him.

At least those are absolute truths.

I was thinking... I saw a video of someone on the spectrum who became a missionary, but he had help. A pastor also in the spectrum, but he also had help. I just hope I will get help and be understood and not just to be forced to change my behaviors to make it look appropriate or acceptable. I don't want to do things just to earn my spiritual mum's hug and love. I lost my spiritual dad's love, trust, and free hugs, too, you know.

I am sad.

At least this comment from this forum says:

Thoughts: Christian Pediatrician Refuses to Treat Baby Girl Because Her Parents Are Lesbians

Link: Christian Pediatrician Refuses to Treat Baby Girl Because Her Parents Are Lesbians

Thoughts:

As a medical practitioner, it is ethical to treat anyone, regardless of race, religion, or background, but as a Christian, God said to help anyone without exceptions (Hebrews 13:16, Philippians 2:4, Matthew 25:35-40), unless the family refuses or the doctor is incapable to treat the child.

As for the 'parents', they have already broken God's original design that man and woman (Genesis 2:24) are to be in union, and relations with the same sex is out of God's creation. In OT, homosexuals are punished by death (Leviticus 20:13), but in NT, Jesus has come to fulfill this law (Matthew 5:17), he is to be the Judge now. The 'parents' will face Jesus soon. Our work is to "go and disciple all the nations, baptizing them, and teaching them the Word of God." (Matthew 29:18-20)

As for the child, the sins of the 'parents' are not the child's doing. It is not the child's payment (eternal judgment) for the 'parents' sins (Ezekiel 18:20). Jesus also said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." (Mark 10:14)

Response: 5 Reasons Children Should Be in The Main Service Regularly

Experiencing a local church that is almost like from the Church in the Book of Acts, even in the most unlikely places (Ch*na), is, well, the blessed experience ever.

I had a little friend who was 1.5 year-old. He sat quietly and attentively with his parents (sometimes), esp when his father (elder of the church) leads the message. They were teaching him already how to be in church since infancy.

"Train up a child the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

I salute parents who join their children to worship, esp when the kids are "well-behaved".

I also grew up attending church with my parents for Sunday service. However, I had the freedom. I always made mischief running around the sanctuary, eating those communion flat bread chips after service, and always asking to go out to play. =P

Here are the 5 Reasons Children Should Be in The Main Service Regularly:

1. Children should not be removed from the main body for convenience sake. 
2. Children are a part of the Body of Christ.
3. Children need Godly examples of how to worship.
4. Children need to feel like they are a part of the church community.
5. Children who don’t feel like a part of the church community will leave church when they’re older.

Read the entire article here: http://www.churchleaders.com/children/childrens-ministry-articles/261362-5-reasons-children-main-service-regularly.html

The Genesis Code

In God's frame of reference, dictating Moses to write Genesis, the world was made in six days. In our frame of reference at present (the universe expands), the world was made in 15.7 billion years. As the universe expands, time isn't constant. Ever heard from the news lately that the Earth moved a millisecond or so. And our world clock isn't the same: Travelling to from the other side of Earth may take two days, but those awaiting your arrival only wait for a day. - Astrophysics, Geophysics, & Genesis

The theory makes sense.

When Moses wrote Genesis, the events occurred in Genesis happened years before Moses. Therefore, Moses need Someone to help him write Genesis, and that Someone is of course, God Himself.

So when God told Moses what to write, the only source of information was God. Maybe the Earth was not made in 6 days, but according to God, it was six days. Knowing in our finite minds and being as small as a speck of dust compared to the expanding universe, time expands as well, which we think the Earth was made in 15.7 billion years. If we travel from Earth to the ends of the universe, and measure time by our own standards, time lengthens as well.

Time then is in God's control. "In God's time." Things we don't understand, things we hope to understand. Then we only have the Bible. Prayer, according to God's will. What is God's will but what is present in Scriptures.

The people behind the ideas of this movie were brilliant. To spread the news about Science defending the Creation, they need something that won't look boring like a documentary or seminar, that even the common people would watch without knowing they are being told the Truth.

Check this link that will direct you to the scene where this is being explained: https://youtu.be/kYtm1o1DQ0o?t=1h7m35s

Or watch it all.