A Christian with High Functioning Autism

There have been changes in my life the past year and since I last wrote in this blog.

It's difficult to keep up writing especially when thoughts are shambled. If I start one blog post, more comes and I don't stop.

Reentry from China has been difficult, and I've been away for more 19 months now. Finally found a book about ReEntry by Peter Jordan. It mentioned something unfortunate about reentry:

The pressure of re-entry have the unfortunate tendency to push you in the opposite direction to where you want to go. Instead of pushing you closer to God, re-entry stress tends to push you away from Him.

I'm now in another city from my passport country. Hoping to start over, but with the help of my
spiritual mum. So yeah, I'm now in my spiritual parents' city.

Other changes? My spiritual dad left me, gave up on me. I've been making lots of mistakes, especially mistakes that I have no control making. I also went to meet a neuropsychiatrist and psychologist to have myself a formal diagnosis for high-functioning autism, at least I got ruled out from ADHD and Schizoid Personality Disorder. I'm still waiting for the results, hopefully I get the answers I need to also help me find help with my socio-communication troubles, including keeping up with finding or maintaining a job, and surviving post-graduate studies with all its research papers and more papers. Troubles also like Executive Functioning Disorder that is very evident in my present job (which was recommended by my spiritual dad but he left so he wouldn't help me anymore), echolalia (which turned out bad that I used an internet source to explain to my spiritual dad that I can't give to his choice of church yet...but I actually mean that I want to pray for it yet and talk it with my spiritual mum because we plan to give 10% to my home church), and hyperlexia (able to read a lot, but unable to properly explain, summarize, comprehend, and write down those thoughts).

Some blessings from 2016? I won a million bucks. I remember praying to God a month before I left China to teach me how to manage and handle money if I become a steward of His money. A year later, he gave 1M. However, there were consequences: family wanted the money, my spiritual dad wanted me to give me to his friends' church asap, relationship with my spiritual mum, I think, became shaky too (I was afraid she'd leave me too).

So... Questions. Will I eve get a higher education? Will I become part of the the fulltimers? Will I become a missionary?

1. God sent me in cursed ways, so He could show His Greatness to me.
2. Though being rejected many times, God did not reject me to know Him.

At least those are absolute truths.

I was thinking... I saw a video of someone on the spectrum who became a missionary, but he had help. A pastor also in the spectrum, but he also had help. I just hope I will get help and be understood and not just to be forced to change my behaviors to make it look appropriate or acceptable. I don't want to do things just to earn my spiritual mum's hug and love. I lost my spiritual dad's love, trust, and free hugs, too, you know.

I am sad.

At least this comment from this forum says:

Embracing Reentry

Two and a half weeks after coming back home.

After depression, I'm facing to have found no direction (what to do, what job to take, should I work now or not yet, when can I leave and do cross-cultural missions again). Having a hard time in the ministries at church. Can't explain what I'm really going through. At times I want to 'stand up' and do something, and another times, just want to 'sit down' and do nothing.

Have been asked to play the piano in church and accept a job in computers, but I dare not. I'm pushing away what is known to be the old me. I don't want to go back to the old cycle of becoming frustrated and not liking what I'm doing. Seeking to do something that relates and develops to the new skills I learned overseas.

I have lost and left behind my old self in my former host country to take in the new self. Coming back, I'm misunderstood and still viewed as the old me. I wish people leave behind their old stereotype of me. The only ones that remains in me is the yearning to be equipped in ministry and know God and His Word, and the difficulty in communicating and interrelationships.

I long so much to leave this city I grew up in. I keep questioning God, why he brought me back when I was close to His greatness and my joy was great as well. Here, I face a lack of joy.

All I can really do is read books and hope to get to know God through those books. Also read books about education to know more about teaching. Besides this, I'm lost.

I am given the idea to start tutoring. Though I am still not confident to tutor because of my lack of experience and know-how-to-tutor, I, with fear, will try. I am afraid to fail others.

Need the Father to provide a way. He brought me back! Need Him to help me face this time of transitioning to whatever is next. Without Him, I am in fear, without a job, no direction, no support. However, where is He then?

Let Bitterness Cast Out

Two months after coming back from another country, I found my hometown still a pain. All problems and struggles I left were still present. Re-adjusting was hard after giving myself away in that country to know the people to minister to them.

Experiencing hardships and discomforts became a joy and comfort as I took part the struggles Jesus faced when He was on earth. However, coming back, everything was still the same, old hardships were still present and the struggle of a comfortable, convenient life with family and old friends became harder. I became too critical and more bitter.

I needed a community to help me re-adjust, a community to be serious with God together, a community to pray against this spiritual warfare, but every one were just too busy. But I understand they wouldn't understand my experiences. However, when I try to reach out for help, they "shrug" (looks like they don't want to be involved in my loss and grief after coming home).

Coming back to my old life was hard.

I came back but God became silent and Satan was winning. Where did I go wrong? Why do I respond with bitterness? Maybe I really am not angry at people, but angry at me. Maybe I am angry at people because I can do nothing much here. People are around for support. People are more concerned with their jobs and enjoying this life with temporary pleasures. While I am convicted of God's Word, broken to obey God's Word.

I became depressed recently. No reminder that God is still here or counsel to "read the Bible everyday," "don't look at the past but forward," "your parents will support you," "no one can help you but you alone" could help me overcome this low state. But when I accidentally came across the song, "Break Every Chain," there is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain, it struck. YES! THERE'S A POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS TO BREAK EVERY CHAIN. I only needed a reminder of God's grace, of who Jesus is. And THERE'S AN ARMY, RISING UP TO BREAK EVERY CHAIN. God's army conquers against the enemy that binds these chains.

Then I must concentrate on Jesus, not people. Love people. To love people, I must talk to them about Jesus.

"We shouldn't love people in order to share our faith with them. Rather, we share our faith and ourselves with them in order to love them." ~Timothy Keller

Let this be my mission as I am back in my hometown, which I may be called to stay:

• If I am looking for a community that's Christ-centered and mission-minded, then I hope to make one.
• I hope to disciple my brother and his girl friend for they both are looking for deep relationship with God. Bringing them to a church, which can meet their spiritual needs.
• As for my home church, I pray you'd find the gospel a 'joyful burden' to accept and live.
• As for my parents, I pray you'd know the true God.
• I hope to find like-minded people to grow together, learn from each other, and make where we are our mission field.
• I also hope to build relationships, bringing them to places just to spend time together. (need money)

Father, bless this vision. Cast out my bitterness. May the power of Jesus' name break every chain. Amen