A Christian with High Functioning Autism

There have been changes in my life the past year and since I last wrote in this blog.

It's difficult to keep up writing especially when thoughts are shambled. If I start one blog post, more comes and I don't stop.

Reentry from China has been difficult, and I've been away for more 19 months now. Finally found a book about ReEntry by Peter Jordan. It mentioned something unfortunate about reentry:

The pressure of re-entry have the unfortunate tendency to push you in the opposite direction to where you want to go. Instead of pushing you closer to God, re-entry stress tends to push you away from Him.

I'm now in another city from my passport country. Hoping to start over, but with the help of my
spiritual mum. So yeah, I'm now in my spiritual parents' city.

Other changes? My spiritual dad left me, gave up on me. I've been making lots of mistakes, especially mistakes that I have no control making. I also went to meet a neuropsychiatrist and psychologist to have myself a formal diagnosis for high-functioning autism, at least I got ruled out from ADHD and Schizoid Personality Disorder. I'm still waiting for the results, hopefully I get the answers I need to also help me find help with my socio-communication troubles, including keeping up with finding or maintaining a job, and surviving post-graduate studies with all its research papers and more papers. Troubles also like Executive Functioning Disorder that is very evident in my present job (which was recommended by my spiritual dad but he left so he wouldn't help me anymore), echolalia (which turned out bad that I used an internet source to explain to my spiritual dad that I can't give to his choice of church yet...but I actually mean that I want to pray for it yet and talk it with my spiritual mum because we plan to give 10% to my home church), and hyperlexia (able to read a lot, but unable to properly explain, summarize, comprehend, and write down those thoughts).

Some blessings from 2016? I won a million bucks. I remember praying to God a month before I left China to teach me how to manage and handle money if I become a steward of His money. A year later, he gave 1M. However, there were consequences: family wanted the money, my spiritual dad wanted me to give me to his friends' church asap, relationship with my spiritual mum, I think, became shaky too (I was afraid she'd leave me too).

So... Questions. Will I eve get a higher education? Will I become part of the the fulltimers? Will I become a missionary?

1. God sent me in cursed ways, so He could show His Greatness to me.
2. Though being rejected many times, God did not reject me to know Him.

At least those are absolute truths.

I was thinking... I saw a video of someone on the spectrum who became a missionary, but he had help. A pastor also in the spectrum, but he also had help. I just hope I will get help and be understood and not just to be forced to change my behaviors to make it look appropriate or acceptable. I don't want to do things just to earn my spiritual mum's hug and love. I lost my spiritual dad's love, trust, and free hugs, too, you know.

I am sad.

At least this comment from this forum says:

Teen Alert: Dealing with Substance Abuse (Journal - R18)

R-18

Issue 34 of Moms: Building the best families, a magazine of Asia Pacific Media Ministries.

Reading this article, these troubled teens came from dysfunctional families (deficient parents, abusive parents, controlling parents, alcoholic parents) which led them to do illegal things. I thought:

I may not be doing drugs or doing crimes but I feel the same with these troubled teens. We may have the same causes that lead them to do bad things, and the effect which they go out looking for acceptance, belongingness, find something enjoying to do, and wishing to feel alive. And further do harm in themselves like making wrong decisions, indifferent towards friends and families, and wanting to do things our way, be independent and self-reliant, just to survive in this cruel world.

I am not doing drugs but I am longing to feel alive. Before, I tend to hurt myself by punching walls and throw my body against the walls especially when I am angry and overwhelmed with anger that I cannot buffer my agitated self and temper. I also hit my head to tolerate stressful times especially being verbally tormented. I also **********. I have ********* since 6yo.

I don't imagine of anything dirty and filthy when I do this (I have been often asked what I am thinking when I do this). I am just looking for something to feel alive. ************ may still equate to pain. Pain makes me feel alive. Pain gives much pressure on my body which makes me feel calm. Physical pain also gets me distracted from emotional pain. So I am not addicted to ************, but I am addicted to pain and harming myself.

Last year, I was evaluated by my ex-mentor (aka my ex-counselor) that I might have homosexual tendencies. Referred me to a professional psychologist specializing in gender issues who happened to be an effeminate straight large man and a director of an orphanage. My ex-mentor evaluated me that because she said I was addicted to hugs and physical touches that she was feeling uncomfortable and uneasy with me, and because I was a tomboy (boyish but not lesbian).

While I was already feeling comfortable with my mentor/counselor of 3 years, slowly building my self-esteem, feeling more loved, and found belonging, she would identify me that way.

I yearn for Physical Touch, my other love language with Quality Time. I keep on asking for hugs. Hugs have the same effect with pain. It offers pressure to my body which I can relax physically and mentally. Because I don't get hugs often or love, if going back to 6yo, I have resorted to ************ and love of d******.

I never have sexual desires with the same sex, so I don't have homo tendencies, but she is stubborn. She wouldn't tell me she is wrong about me. Never say sorry and take back what she has said until now. So when we try to reconcile, weeks later we have conflict and again we are indifferent from each other. Yet now, it's hard to forgive & love her again, especially with withholding me the opportunities for my growth and denying me the Bible AGAIN!

Our conflict comes back, days/weeks later every after we "reconcile", maybe because I still find it hard to trust her again. I get suspiscious. I easily get frustrated if she doesn't listen to me or give me what I wish for. Her reasons are very questionable and doesn't sound reliable.

Anyway, many times I have overcome ************ (but not yet with hitting myself) because of its sensitivity and filthiness, but I relapse when I experience loneliness, being left out, rejected, abandoned, misunderstood again.

I am sorry. God I am sorry. Help me forgive. Help me be merciful with myself (whatever that means, help me know what mercy is). Let me know more of Your grace. Help me stop vibrating my private parts.

I thought my new mentor has already made me understand what is pornography and the like, why we have this, why married couples do this. Though, while listening to my new mentor, I felt uncomfortable with the topic. I could have missed out some points.

May this "self-therapy" of mine help like the therapy of one-on-one bible study with my new mentor. Because the 1-on-1 BS helped me that time from my e-mentor and experiencing the Typhoon Sendong/Washi. Learning theology. Knowing God's law. Knowing God's grace through Scriptures. Expositional Bible Study/preachin/teaching.