God's Design of Love (Journal)

Attended Inside Out the second time, the message today is fromt the verse Romans 5:8,
but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Then speaker led us to our usual role models, imperfect models:
1. Publicized Model (Daniel and his friends)  Daniel 1:1-10
    - The king was the supposed role model in this story, but because of the king's food, the young men weren't healthy-looking unlike David and his friends who only ate according to God's Design.
2. Peer Culture (Noah and the Ark) Genesis 6:2 - 8:22
    - As years went by, the dress code of before was more modest than today.
    - In Noah's time, people were wicked. They followed only what their peers do.
3. People of the church (Eli and his sons) 1 Samuel 2:12-36
    - Eli's sons were wicked. They were priests but were disobedient against God whom they served.

People, even those whom we look up to, may have wronged us and we have been short of their love.

Yet God, who is our Creator and whose love is perfect, has sent Jesus to be a ransom for us who are sinners, guilty to be thrown to hell.

My thoughts:
God. I am not growing in Christ anymore. I hate my ex-mentor, my Big Sister, so much. I cannot forgive her nor I can even repent of my unforgiving and unrepentant heart to you. Reading your word has become an effort.

Dear God. I am becoming indifferent to your love. With this limited, logical, concrete mind that I have, it is hard to envision what you have done for me, envision grace and your love.

Dear God. I ask for guidance. I ask for an accountability. Bring me back to your worship. If it is your will, let me change on how am I to deal with Achi. Or how to mend my trust and relationship with her. It is hard to trust for I am afraid to be hurt and left alone. It is hard to even look at her. I don't want to see her neither do I want to leave my home church. Even though she's a bad pastor, I pray God, open her eyes and know you more and take accountability of her responsibilities as a pastor, a mother in church, and a Big Sister. I have not right to judge her. I have no right to condemn her though she has condemned me by her judgments against me. I have not willpower to forgive her, but forgive her dear God for her flaws.

God. I pray for help. You know I can't do this alone. Please send help. God. Let me have a job as well. If it is your will, let me have a job with Toyota. Let me have a job. I am tired sending my applications already. Please dear God. I ask for guidance to your Word and your Kingdom. In Jesus' extraordinary, beyond all thoughts, name. AMEN.

Teen Alert: Dealing with Substance Abuse (Journal - R18)

R-18

Issue 34 of Moms: Building the best families, a magazine of Asia Pacific Media Ministries.

Reading this article, these troubled teens came from dysfunctional families (deficient parents, abusive parents, controlling parents, alcoholic parents) which led them to do illegal things. I thought:

I may not be doing drugs or doing crimes but I feel the same with these troubled teens. We may have the same causes that lead them to do bad things, and the effect which they go out looking for acceptance, belongingness, find something enjoying to do, and wishing to feel alive. And further do harm in themselves like making wrong decisions, indifferent towards friends and families, and wanting to do things our way, be independent and self-reliant, just to survive in this cruel world.

I am not doing drugs but I am longing to feel alive. Before, I tend to hurt myself by punching walls and throw my body against the walls especially when I am angry and overwhelmed with anger that I cannot buffer my agitated self and temper. I also hit my head to tolerate stressful times especially being verbally tormented. I also **********. I have ********* since 6yo.

I don't imagine of anything dirty and filthy when I do this (I have been often asked what I am thinking when I do this). I am just looking for something to feel alive. ************ may still equate to pain. Pain makes me feel alive. Pain gives much pressure on my body which makes me feel calm. Physical pain also gets me distracted from emotional pain. So I am not addicted to ************, but I am addicted to pain and harming myself.

Last year, I was evaluated by my ex-mentor (aka my ex-counselor) that I might have homosexual tendencies. Referred me to a professional psychologist specializing in gender issues who happened to be an effeminate straight large man and a director of an orphanage. My ex-mentor evaluated me that because she said I was addicted to hugs and physical touches that she was feeling uncomfortable and uneasy with me, and because I was a tomboy (boyish but not lesbian).

While I was already feeling comfortable with my mentor/counselor of 3 years, slowly building my self-esteem, feeling more loved, and found belonging, she would identify me that way.

I yearn for Physical Touch, my other love language with Quality Time. I keep on asking for hugs. Hugs have the same effect with pain. It offers pressure to my body which I can relax physically and mentally. Because I don't get hugs often or love, if going back to 6yo, I have resorted to ************ and love of d******.

I never have sexual desires with the same sex, so I don't have homo tendencies, but she is stubborn. She wouldn't tell me she is wrong about me. Never say sorry and take back what she has said until now. So when we try to reconcile, weeks later we have conflict and again we are indifferent from each other. Yet now, it's hard to forgive & love her again, especially with withholding me the opportunities for my growth and denying me the Bible AGAIN!

Our conflict comes back, days/weeks later every after we "reconcile", maybe because I still find it hard to trust her again. I get suspiscious. I easily get frustrated if she doesn't listen to me or give me what I wish for. Her reasons are very questionable and doesn't sound reliable.

Anyway, many times I have overcome ************ (but not yet with hitting myself) because of its sensitivity and filthiness, but I relapse when I experience loneliness, being left out, rejected, abandoned, misunderstood again.

I am sorry. God I am sorry. Help me forgive. Help me be merciful with myself (whatever that means, help me know what mercy is). Let me know more of Your grace. Help me stop vibrating my private parts.

I thought my new mentor has already made me understand what is pornography and the like, why we have this, why married couples do this. Though, while listening to my new mentor, I felt uncomfortable with the topic. I could have missed out some points.

May this "self-therapy" of mine help like the therapy of one-on-one bible study with my new mentor. Because the 1-on-1 BS helped me that time from my e-mentor and experiencing the Typhoon Sendong/Washi. Learning theology. Knowing God's law. Knowing God's grace through Scriptures. Expositional Bible Study/preachin/teaching.