R.C. Sproul (Pain of Loving the Sheep)

Ligonier: Ravenous Sheep by R.C. Sproul.

An excerpt:

The hardest thing about being a pastor is not being poorly paid. If that needs to be fixed and you can, please do. The hardest thing about being a pastor isn't the long hours. That doesn't mean you shouldn't call when you are in the emergency room. It does mean if you have a theological question at 9:30 Saturday night, try to wait until after Sunday service to ask. The hardest thing isn't the lack of respect in the church and the world over his calling. If you can help there, please do. The hardest thing about a pastor is the pain of watching the sheep you love banging their heads against the wall until their wool is like scarlet." The hardest thing about being a shepherd is the pain of loving the sheep.

Sunday, Aug 12 2012 (Travel)

At 8AM, I went to my home church. Thinking I might be able to read, I still brought my book. When I arrived, I hesitated going to the sanctuary to observe the Sunday School Sunday and thought to rather stay in the church office and read my book. However, not too long later, I went to the balcony to watch the Sunday School. I was able to read 3 pages of book until the Sunday School started.

Was I annoyed when I saw my ex-mentor. I thought, "Why is she here? She's not part of the Sunday School." Then later I found out, she was going to be her "boyfriend" pastor's assistant. Well, I left the sanctuary before they even started their message.

The church service would start at 10AM, there was still an hour left, so I just hang around with "friends". I thought, "I will leave after the service and attend to another church." But when the church service ended, I was no longer in the mood to go out and attend another church, especially that the day was hot. Some people also wished me to join the Sunday School lunch.

I joined the lunch and their post-lunch fellowship. When the commitment cards were passed, I didn't take one and sign because I would be taking a rest from my home church. I was only there for the Sunday School. By the way, the message today was taken somewhere in Joshua, in relation to promoting Sunday School or the purpose of Sunday School.

I am sorry but I was not quite listening. I listened but I didn't remember much. It was about parents on kids, teachers on students...literally. It was like, "this isn't for me." But I related it to my mentors or teachers or pastors, even my ex-mentor, and I was the kid.

Anyway, after lunch, I went out with four "friends". We're not really close. We went to a tea house, they bought milk tea, and then we played Monopoly Deal. It was fun, and it was my first time.

After three games, I had to go, join Inside Out, a ministry of another church reaching out for the youth. And this was where my day ended great. A message which convicted and reminded me of God's grace. Click here to read.

Under the Fig Tree (Journal)

Today's message is about Nathanael, Philip, and Jesus. (John 1:43-51)

The speaker started with Nathanael. Nathanael is a cynic or a skeptic who would ask questions critically.

Philip was a new convert (v.43). when he saw Nathanael, probably his friend, the on-fire Philip, full of joy, shared to Nathanael what he was overjoyed of. Philip shared to Nathanael about Jesus. However, like every new convert, or rather anyone, having the lack of discipling, training, or knowledge of the Bible, Philip said something wrong. Philip said "Jesus from Nazareth, when Jesus came from Bethlehem." (v.45)

Then Nathanael critically asked the question, "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" (v.46a)

Yet, Philip did not argue with Nathanael nor was he discouraged. Philip, rather, invited Nathanael to "Come and see." (v.46b)

We, Christians, can make mistakes when we profess/share/testify our faith to other people. And people can be so critical with us. I, too, am a skeptic, yet a skeptic who is open for truth. We do not know if one person is hungry to know Truth. Therefore, let us do what Philip has done, invite others to "Come and see" either church, bible study, or a studying together the Bible, somewhat discipling someone though they may not yet have accepted Christ. But through true Bible Study, one can know Christ and God's grace, and the person may come to faith.

Back to the Scriptures.

Nathanael had not yet seen Jesus, but Jesus greeted him like they had known each other. (v.47)

Surprised, Nathanael asked, "How do you know me?"

Jesus replied, "I saw you under the fig tree, before Philip told you about me."

Then, Nathanael proclaimed Jesus as, "Rabbi, you are the Son of God..the King of Israel." (v.49)

And here is Jesus calling for Nathanael, "You will see greater thing than [knowing I saw you under the fig tree]. I tell you the truth, you will see heaven open and angels of God going up and coming down on the Son of Man."

Jesus and the Samaritan woman. Jesus knew the woman had many husbands and a live-in partner before the woman dared to share to Jesus her life. Jesus was able to form a connection with the woman and Nathanael for Jesus understood them. Jesus was able to build trust and relationship with them even though, they were crippling inside.

When it comes to relationships, when I heard Jesus came to understand and form a connection with the Samaritan woman and Nathanael, I have experienced something similar. I am able to form some immediate trust when the person understands me and say things which really describes me, which I am not able to describe myself. A person who is able to read my thoughts before I even say it. Actually, that person was my ex-mentor. My ex-mentor may not be a perfect person, yet I am remembered today of what good she had done to me during our early years. She had true compassion for me, even gave me special attention and most of her time to me. But in the later years, she lost that compassion and not anymore understanding. And then, I lost my trust on her.

Anyway, back to Jesus.

Now, what is the fig tree? What is Jesus saying to Nathanael, he saw him under fig tree?

The speaker said, the fig tree could mean our secret places or our inner selves. Under the fig tree could mean, what we do or who we truly are.

The speaker then illustrated that we usually and easily let people come into our lives because of fear that people may come to know us, and when they know more about us, they may leave us, and we get hurt again. He also illustrated, we choose who we invite into our houses or rooms. What if the speaker let us come into his room. As a supposed reliable trusted speaker, he has a messy room. How then can we trust him?

Human, as we are, we some times, if not many times, do not walk our talk. Yet Jesus, no matter how crooked we are, still allows us to come to know him.

When I heard the part where the speaker illustrated about his room and as a speaker/leader, suddenly, BIG tears fell from my eyes.

I am afraid to let people know me. I am afraid that when people know me more, they may leave me, and hurt me bad. I am afraid to stumble people with the bad example, bad influence, or bad life that I live. I am afraid people may get angry at me or hate me. I am afraid to let people know what a mess I am. I am not worthy to be called into God's ministry. Yet, I am convicted and reminded of God's grace with just that simple story, it doesn't matter how much of a failure I am. Doesn't matter how many times my family or a pastor would judge me bad or what a mess my room is or that I am selfish or a perfectionist. As long as I show or tell people about Jesus, I am nothing. Somehow, that messy person I am is not who I truly am. I am God's own. No matter if I am not worthy, Jesus still accepts me.

Though my outer shell is a pretend me, trying to behave like "everyone" else and my inner shell is a messed up person, my innermost part should be where Jesus is, should be who I truly am, identified to be with Jesus.

At times, I do lose focus, even after today's message. My mind is telling me, "That is not reality. Reality is this, when you leave "God's place". Reality is where the world really is. You must be just dreaming. All filled up with emotions. Those things won't last. Being called by God is just a delusion which you're making up inside your head. You're not really called. This is your life. A life where, at home, you don't own your time. In church, you'd be neglected. You're reality also is that you have no job. Being in a seminary or a worker of God is not a real job. That's only a vocation, not a profession. How can you live? How can you earn BIG and buy all the stuff you like? How can you have a comfortable life? That is not the reality. Your reality is that you're a mess. You're just a loner. You'll forever be a loner. Your friends aren't really friends. You are just friends because you have the same emotions concerning God and His grace. That is not reality."

My mind is my greatest battle.

God's Design of Love (Journal)

Attended Inside Out the second time, the message today is fromt the verse Romans 5:8,
but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Then speaker led us to our usual role models, imperfect models:
1. Publicized Model (Daniel and his friends)  Daniel 1:1-10
    - The king was the supposed role model in this story, but because of the king's food, the young men weren't healthy-looking unlike David and his friends who only ate according to God's Design.
2. Peer Culture (Noah and the Ark) Genesis 6:2 - 8:22
    - As years went by, the dress code of before was more modest than today.
    - In Noah's time, people were wicked. They followed only what their peers do.
3. People of the church (Eli and his sons) 1 Samuel 2:12-36
    - Eli's sons were wicked. They were priests but were disobedient against God whom they served.

People, even those whom we look up to, may have wronged us and we have been short of their love.

Yet God, who is our Creator and whose love is perfect, has sent Jesus to be a ransom for us who are sinners, guilty to be thrown to hell.

My thoughts:
God. I am not growing in Christ anymore. I hate my ex-mentor, my Big Sister, so much. I cannot forgive her nor I can even repent of my unforgiving and unrepentant heart to you. Reading your word has become an effort.

Dear God. I am becoming indifferent to your love. With this limited, logical, concrete mind that I have, it is hard to envision what you have done for me, envision grace and your love.

Dear God. I ask for guidance. I ask for an accountability. Bring me back to your worship. If it is your will, let me change on how am I to deal with Achi. Or how to mend my trust and relationship with her. It is hard to trust for I am afraid to be hurt and left alone. It is hard to even look at her. I don't want to see her neither do I want to leave my home church. Even though she's a bad pastor, I pray God, open her eyes and know you more and take accountability of her responsibilities as a pastor, a mother in church, and a Big Sister. I have not right to judge her. I have no right to condemn her though she has condemned me by her judgments against me. I have not willpower to forgive her, but forgive her dear God for her flaws.

God. I pray for help. You know I can't do this alone. Please send help. God. Let me have a job as well. If it is your will, let me have a job with Toyota. Let me have a job. I am tired sending my applications already. Please dear God. I ask for guidance to your Word and your Kingdom. In Jesus' extraordinary, beyond all thoughts, name. AMEN.

Visited Home Church & Left Angry

Last Monday, I joined Bible Study in my home church. And Wednesday, I went to my home church again to help for the Sunday School celebration decors. People asked of me for I had been away too long (so far, only 2 weeks). From my being discreet, people had gotten to know because though I tried not to tell the whole truth, they still sensed something not right, that I was "somehow" leaving.

AND!! @#$%!! I saw my ex-mentor, my enemy.

I don't like to see her. I hate her. I am not forgiving her nor I am repentant either.

Pastor: Are you exasparating your spiritual children?

I attended the prayer meeting that Wednesday for only 15 minutes. She was the presider. I was feeling imprisoned by her presence. I was looking for a reason to leave until my mother (also my enemy) called. "Voila! I found my reason."

As I got home (and before writing this), I sent hate letters to my ex-mentor.

It is because of these two mothers (biological and spiritual) that I am going rogue from my home church.

(And I may visit again this week to continue helping for the Sunday School. Hope I don't see her.)