What were dreams, now become like hell

Can this new struggle be a new direction I have to take?
It seems that I can't back out from this going to China because parents are on my neck reminding me about it. I have a hard time planning, choosing, and deciding. I am scared and rely so much on others. I am still struggling how to work out with my 1yo current job: how I am to live a holy (and be a salt and light) life in my workplace where I work as a multimedia person who spends most times infront of the computer.

I struggle to escape from my parents demands. This study-and-teach in China is, well, almost close to my heart, but my parents promptings are becoming like hell. I choose to change my career to teaching because I really want to develop teaching and learn Mandarin, but my parents are making it hard for me. I wish they stop demanding so much and not even doing anything about it. That's not support, but more like hell.

Father, I am to trust you with all my heart and not lean on to this limited self-centered understanding of mine. Enable me to remember that in all my ways I am to acknowledge you.

Father, I am your beloved girl, but a rebel. I am so sorry. Father, I want nothing but you. I want to be close to you, be where you are, be able to hear more of you. Father, if it is you permit me to go to China, help me how to do this, give me wisdom. May your will be done in me and may I learn to live this life according to your will. Father, I still don't know so much about this world. Help me grow. Enable me, give me wisdom how to make use of my time. I am afraid to be reading books in the office because I don't want my office mates to think I am not busy, so I busy-body myself on the computer (Facebook) to lie to them that I am working. Forgive me. Give me the courage to study at work when I am not busy.

Father, may I lay myself to you. Give me strength to work every day satisfied and contented in you, glorifying you in whichever circumstance I am until I die. Forgive me of my discontentment. Give me wisdom. Enable me to know you more. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Grow? Be like Jesus

The world is sad and scary...so is adulthood. The more I see corruption in the hearts of man, the more I'm holding onto my child, making it hard and confusing for me to grow up.

I am aging with my peers but growing/developing late or lagging  behind my peers. Yet as I age, I am embarrassed that I am still young for my age not "knowing" or experiencing a lot about this life.

I want to grow up, but I don't like to be like them. That makes it hard and confusing to grow up.

Be like Jesus? Show me more of Jesus, so I can grow to be like Jesus.

Testimonies & God

God has done many great things from testimonies of other people, even testimonies from the people of Bible times, but how sure are we that God can do the same miracles to us?

Maybe God won't relieve someone's barrenness unlike God gave Hannah a son named Samuel. Maybe God won't regrow a missing ear unlike the soldier who arrested Jesus in Gethsemane. Maybe God won't help you stop smoking tomorrow unlike God did from those amazing testimonies of transformation. Maybe God won't change an unpleasant circumstance unlike God did to others. Maybe God won't return in twofold what you lost unlike God did with Job.

But who is God? That one will not change and that one we can absolutely know for certain and that one brings more joy than knowing His miracles. God is my Father and He knows best than what I already know.