Jeremiah 15:17, I did not sit in the company of revelers, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone, because your hand was upon me, for you had filled me with indignation. (ESV)JEREMIAH—NOTE ON 15:17 Jeremiah took no part in the nation’s sin (Ps. 1:1). sat alone . He was isolated because of his commitment. (ESV Study Bible)
Jeremiah was struggling to be God's messenger as he was to speak and go against the norms and sins of Judah. The people were giving him a hard time and wasn't listening to him and had been mean to him because of that message. Jeremiah, however, was wondering/complaining why he had to suffer more than Judah even though he was fearfully and faithfully following God's commands and not at yoke with the unbelieving crowd. Jeremiah isolated himself because of his commitment.
God rebuked Jeremiah for his envying evil people, complaining his life was worse than the evil people. God said if he repented he will restore Jeremiah.
I need to do that too. My life right now is a mess. It felt God was ignoring me just as the people ignored me, too. My spiritual parents failed and turned to be wolves in sheep's clothing.
Am I isolating myself for God's sake?
Four & a half years ago, I left home to move to another city. To start building my life: to work, to have a career, to settle here, to make this city as my home base if I travel to other countries for missions, and to also hoping to expand God's kingdom by making Him known or be magnified by people...
Sadly, it turned the opposite. I see sin and people's desires more than them wanting to fearfully follow God, including my ex-sprititual parents. And I struggle to have a career, to settle here, and I don't find a "home" or belonging, including a church.
I left my first job in a "Christian" seminary because that place was so isolated from the world, meaning I live inside the campus, I barely see the residents (students and teachers/staff) mingle with the outside world. I wondered how was I going to grow and practice faith and sharing God outside. I also didn't like the job. I isolated myself from that place because I thought I couldn't "do" my commitment with God and wanted to be in the outside world and to teach.
I then moved close to my spiritual mom (who however forbid me to go to her house) and worked as an English as Foreign Language Instructor (which I thought was God's gift of teaching for me because I enjoyed teaching and being with people). Since moving to this city, I went to church with my spiritual mom and joined a ministry with her. However, things turned so bad that my spiritual mom started to become to toxic and mean to me. I also wasn't allowed or disproved to meet create and gather a small group of disabled/depressed/lonely people. My spiritual mom would often watch over me and when I make "autistic mistakes", she would be angry at me, she wouldn't even believe her rebukes, expectations, judgments/accusations outweighs her "love" and commendation and were harming me. She ignored when I didn't feel well or was needing her. She didn't like people to depend on her and she began ignoring me. (Ironically, I didn't even want her to always watch me for my mistakes). She finally showed she didn't want me (she had a love-hate on me) by continuosly blaming me that this was my fault. I lost my trust on her. I got autistic burnout and was got tired. Before I decided to leave church, I felt there was a spirit of excellence lurking in that church and I was sure I wouldn't belong there because I would often commit "mistakes". If I continue to attend there, was I to avoid her, what if she'd continue scolding me or if she ignored me, what if the people would question me, what would I say and I couldn't lie. I couldn't look at her straight in the eye either so I left. I left the church and later moved away from my spiritual mom (as she was neglecting and ignored me anyway and I hated the traffic to work). I isolated myself because I didn't know what I was supposed to do and wasn't learning God stuff that much.
(I'm already getting tired telling this story again and again.....because this isn't resolved. She still wouldn't think she did something wrong, or maybe she did but she's not repenting. Even if I forgive her, it still hurts. And I still have to stay away from her. So much for a 2nd mom, who said wouldn't leave and forget me. Yes, she's not forgetting me in memory, but she has abandoned me, left me, disapeared from my life. I was unwanted and forgotten.)
I then moved to my spiritual dad's church. Long story short, he taught me sex real-time. He coerced me to learn it like that to help me understand. He taught me a lie that what we were doing was okay. What he taught on the pulpit was different from the several things he taught me. He was teaching me the world. He also kept cutting me off, blamed me. And when he wanted or I wanted him back because I wanted relationship and needed a 2nd dad, he gave me conditions which included that I had to give in to his will and obey him. I was naive, I didn't know much. I was getting confused, but I believed him, and I was looking up to him as my 2nd dad. I thought he was just being a father figure. After several cycles of being cut off, get back, everything went fine, then insisted to do his sex will, then I become whiny on many things, he got tired of me, then cut me off, and so on went the cycle. He kept accusing me and told me I was delusional and needed to take meds. But I later had enough of it and wondered his teachings (sexual and theological) on the pulpit, to others, and to me were so inconsistent. I began to find no respect on him and stopped listening to his sermons or joining the small groups. I'm isolating from that church because I can't follow someone like that, and I'm in a dilemma about this situation, if I tell the truth, people might turn against me, wouldn't believe me, and he could lie that could harm me even more, if I don't, people are going to question my aloof behavior and I wouldn't be able to speak honestly but excuses.
I, unfortunately, still co-own a business with him and his daughter because I still need it, I don't have a replacement and struggling to have a replacement. I also find others unsupportive or is it just me because I was made this way. I also left work because of the pandemic and because I got tired talking and being with people. I now don't like to be around people and I'm not ready for 2021 (wishing it won't come). I've isolated myself from people because I lost myself and have been judged, betrayed, accused, and not anymore comfortable around them nor able to trust.
I have gone so far from the original me who started this journey.
Am I isolating myself for God's sake?
What am I supposed to do if I am not isolating myself for God's commitment?
