After depression, I'm facing to have found no direction (what to do, what job to take, should I work now or not yet, when can I leave and do cross-cultural missions again). Having a hard time in the ministries at church. Can't explain what I'm really going through. At times I want to 'stand up' and do something, and another times, just want to 'sit down' and do nothing.
Have been asked to play the piano in church and accept a job in computers, but I dare not. I'm pushing away what is known to be the old me. I don't want to go back to the old cycle of becoming frustrated and not liking what I'm doing. Seeking to do something that relates and develops to the new skills I learned overseas.
I have lost and left behind my old self in my former host country to take in the new self. Coming back, I'm misunderstood and still viewed as the old me. I wish people leave behind their old stereotype of me. The only ones that remains in me is the yearning to be equipped in ministry and know God and His Word, and the difficulty in communicating and interrelationships.
I long so much to leave this city I grew up in. I keep questioning God, why he brought me back when I was close to His greatness and my joy was great as well. Here, I face a lack of joy.
All I can really do is read books and hope to get to know God through those books. Also read books about education to know more about teaching. Besides this, I'm lost.
I am given the idea to start tutoring. Though I am still not confident to tutor because of my lack of experience and know-how-to-tutor, I, with fear, will try. I am afraid to fail others.
Need the Father to provide a way. He brought me back! Need Him to help me face this time of transitioning to whatever is next. Without Him, I am in fear, without a job, no direction, no support. However, where is He then?
