A Christian with High Functioning Autism

There have been changes in my life the past year and since I last wrote in this blog.

It's difficult to keep up writing especially when thoughts are shambled. If I start one blog post, more comes and I don't stop.

Reentry from China has been difficult, and I've been away for more 19 months now. Finally found a book about ReEntry by Peter Jordan. It mentioned something unfortunate about reentry:

The pressure of re-entry have the unfortunate tendency to push you in the opposite direction to where you want to go. Instead of pushing you closer to God, re-entry stress tends to push you away from Him.

I'm now in another city from my passport country. Hoping to start over, but with the help of my
spiritual mum. So yeah, I'm now in my spiritual parents' city.

Other changes? My spiritual dad left me, gave up on me. I've been making lots of mistakes, especially mistakes that I have no control making. I also went to meet a neuropsychiatrist and psychologist to have myself a formal diagnosis for high-functioning autism, at least I got ruled out from ADHD and Schizoid Personality Disorder. I'm still waiting for the results, hopefully I get the answers I need to also help me find help with my socio-communication troubles, including keeping up with finding or maintaining a job, and surviving post-graduate studies with all its research papers and more papers. Troubles also like Executive Functioning Disorder that is very evident in my present job (which was recommended by my spiritual dad but he left so he wouldn't help me anymore), echolalia (which turned out bad that I used an internet source to explain to my spiritual dad that I can't give to his choice of church yet...but I actually mean that I want to pray for it yet and talk it with my spiritual mum because we plan to give 10% to my home church), and hyperlexia (able to read a lot, but unable to properly explain, summarize, comprehend, and write down those thoughts).

Some blessings from 2016? I won a million bucks. I remember praying to God a month before I left China to teach me how to manage and handle money if I become a steward of His money. A year later, he gave 1M. However, there were consequences: family wanted the money, my spiritual dad wanted me to give me to his friends' church asap, relationship with my spiritual mum, I think, became shaky too (I was afraid she'd leave me too).

So... Questions. Will I eve get a higher education? Will I become part of the the fulltimers? Will I become a missionary?

1. God sent me in cursed ways, so He could show His Greatness to me.
2. Though being rejected many times, God did not reject me to know Him.

At least those are absolute truths.

I was thinking... I saw a video of someone on the spectrum who became a missionary, but he had help. A pastor also in the spectrum, but he also had help. I just hope I will get help and be understood and not just to be forced to change my behaviors to make it look appropriate or acceptable. I don't want to do things just to earn my spiritual mum's hug and love. I lost my spiritual dad's love, trust, and free hugs, too, you know.

I am sad.

At least this comment from this forum says:

Embracing Reentry

Two and a half weeks after coming back home.

After depression, I'm facing to have found no direction (what to do, what job to take, should I work now or not yet, when can I leave and do cross-cultural missions again). Having a hard time in the ministries at church. Can't explain what I'm really going through. At times I want to 'stand up' and do something, and another times, just want to 'sit down' and do nothing.

Have been asked to play the piano in church and accept a job in computers, but I dare not. I'm pushing away what is known to be the old me. I don't want to go back to the old cycle of becoming frustrated and not liking what I'm doing. Seeking to do something that relates and develops to the new skills I learned overseas.

I have lost and left behind my old self in my former host country to take in the new self. Coming back, I'm misunderstood and still viewed as the old me. I wish people leave behind their old stereotype of me. The only ones that remains in me is the yearning to be equipped in ministry and know God and His Word, and the difficulty in communicating and interrelationships.

I long so much to leave this city I grew up in. I keep questioning God, why he brought me back when I was close to His greatness and my joy was great as well. Here, I face a lack of joy.

All I can really do is read books and hope to get to know God through those books. Also read books about education to know more about teaching. Besides this, I'm lost.

I am given the idea to start tutoring. Though I am still not confident to tutor because of my lack of experience and know-how-to-tutor, I, with fear, will try. I am afraid to fail others.

Need the Father to provide a way. He brought me back! Need Him to help me face this time of transitioning to whatever is next. Without Him, I am in fear, without a job, no direction, no support. However, where is He then?