A Christian with High Functioning Autism

There have been changes in my life the past year and since I last wrote in this blog.

It's difficult to keep up writing especially when thoughts are shambled. If I start one blog post, more comes and I don't stop.

Reentry from China has been difficult, and I've been away for more 19 months now. Finally found a book about ReEntry by Peter Jordan. It mentioned something unfortunate about reentry:

The pressure of re-entry have the unfortunate tendency to push you in the opposite direction to where you want to go. Instead of pushing you closer to God, re-entry stress tends to push you away from Him.

I'm now in another city from my passport country. Hoping to start over, but with the help of my
spiritual mum. So yeah, I'm now in my spiritual parents' city.

Other changes? My spiritual dad left me, gave up on me. I've been making lots of mistakes, especially mistakes that I have no control making. I also went to meet a neuropsychiatrist and psychologist to have myself a formal diagnosis for high-functioning autism, at least I got ruled out from ADHD and Schizoid Personality Disorder. I'm still waiting for the results, hopefully I get the answers I need to also help me find help with my socio-communication troubles, including keeping up with finding or maintaining a job, and surviving post-graduate studies with all its research papers and more papers. Troubles also like Executive Functioning Disorder that is very evident in my present job (which was recommended by my spiritual dad but he left so he wouldn't help me anymore), echolalia (which turned out bad that I used an internet source to explain to my spiritual dad that I can't give to his choice of church yet...but I actually mean that I want to pray for it yet and talk it with my spiritual mum because we plan to give 10% to my home church), and hyperlexia (able to read a lot, but unable to properly explain, summarize, comprehend, and write down those thoughts).

Some blessings from 2016? I won a million bucks. I remember praying to God a month before I left China to teach me how to manage and handle money if I become a steward of His money. A year later, he gave 1M. However, there were consequences: family wanted the money, my spiritual dad wanted me to give me to his friends' church asap, relationship with my spiritual mum, I think, became shaky too (I was afraid she'd leave me too).

So... Questions. Will I eve get a higher education? Will I become part of the the fulltimers? Will I become a missionary?

1. God sent me in cursed ways, so He could show His Greatness to me.
2. Though being rejected many times, God did not reject me to know Him.

At least those are absolute truths.

I was thinking... I saw a video of someone on the spectrum who became a missionary, but he had help. A pastor also in the spectrum, but he also had help. I just hope I will get help and be understood and not just to be forced to change my behaviors to make it look appropriate or acceptable. I don't want to do things just to earn my spiritual mum's hug and love. I lost my spiritual dad's love, trust, and free hugs, too, you know.

I am sad.

At least this comment from this forum says:

War in the Philippines (part 3) - Lots of Thanks

I'm not sure if this is part 3. However, we are just waiting for confirmation of the LST vessel to carry the goods and set sail straight to Zamboanga.

"Not to us, Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!" Psalm 115:1

Indeed, God is greatly to be praised amidst all these blessings, relief, and providence he has provided us. I thank for my biological father for providing his connection to help us with the transfer of the goods. I thank my officemate for her help and connection with TV networks. I thank for the lady who is incharge of the goods. I thank for my spiritual parents for their love and patience to teach me and disciple me. I thank also for my biological parents for having me. I thank for all those willing hearts in-and-out of Zamboanga helping out for the hungry and needy. Moroever, I thank God for his enablement.

I have faced many temptations, and I thank God for his deliverance. Temptation of pride, fear and anxiety, temptation of taking things into my own without acknowledging God, and the temptation to be forgetting God because of being so high and receiving so many praises.

May I stay focused and humbled when God provides me opportunities to help others, glorify Him, and display His wonders. Even when it looks hard or something that I wouldn't approve of, may God sustain me and forgive me when I fail him. I am just a fellow servant to God.

War in the Philippines (part 2)

After my mourning (slash) worry struggle for the chaos around the world (not just South Philippines), I circulated a letter with permission from a friend in the war zone. She was asking for help and support in cash or kind to provide relief for fellow evacuees. A parachurch foundation read the letter and was willing to provide for them.

The next day, my friend begged for help on how to transport the goods from Manila to Zamboanga via Cagayan de Oro. It was hard trying to find a way on how to transfer the goods. I called my parents for their military connection but they said the military had their hands full already. Then they said, also an officemate said, that we contact a TV network's foundation for help and advice.

Two days later, that's today (3rd day) as I am writing this, I'm still waiting to have a talk with the TV network's foundation. I have other ways in mind, but I have to wait for this meeting. If this meeting wouldn't be successful, then I can go out and ask for help from mission orgs and my church for help to transport the goods via land. Land transfer (8-12hrs travel from CDO to Zambo) is hard especially that rebels can block the truck and loot the goods. We hope to have the transfer by air.

Leaving details aside, how am I? Scared and overwhelmed. This responsibility is also my first time. The only ability I can do is imagine ways, find ideas, and connect with key contacts. I felt feverish and overwhelmed the first day I took this responsibility; I felt hot and getting a headache. Maybe I was just super-excited. Yester-night, I was feeling the fear that this might not happen. This morning, right when I woke up, I felt I might get embarrassed if this wouldn't happen. Even that whenever I hear anything that booms, I get traumatized suddenly though I'm not in the war field.

I also faced a temptation of pride, but I will to humble myself for I am just a servant of God. Both in high or low times, true Christians will be faced any kind of temptation.

I keep praying to trust in God and rely on Him for He is bigger than this event. I keep reminding myself the God is in control, my King is in control, He knows what is happening. I also rebuke myself that anxiety dishonors God. I will just continue to thank God, trust and rely on Him, things happen in his control. Him only is constant than the events we face in life. I even ask help for God to guard my thoughts and my heart from entertaining sin. God forgive me.

I take this responsibility because I want to help and to bring glory to God. It is my pleasure and gratitude that I am a child of God and a fellow servant to King Jesus.

My Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it in heaven. Give us this day, relief and providence for this responsibility for our Zambo fellowmen and siblings in Christ. Forgive me for dishonoring you with my fear and anxiety. Lead me not into temptation of pride and anxiety and self-centeredness, protect me from the evil one, guard my mind and heart. For yours alone is your kingdom, you power and your glory. May your work be displayed in this present time. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN.

War in the Philippines (part 1)

Specifically in Zamboanga City, Philippines.

I just saw a video of the situation and heard gunshots. I remembered I told my mentor who asked me if I'd be on a mission field, would I be ready of what would happen?

I thought, "Meaning gunshots? Yes, I'm ready."

But hearing those gunshots on video, I could imagine myself curling by the corner and covering my ears. I did think too that if I'm in my comfort zone, I'd probably close my ears and hide in fear, but if I'm NOT in my comfort zone and no one to rely on, I could stand guard and help others. However, I may not know what my reaction would be, I might be just stunned.

So I'm sorry, I humble myself, for saying that courageous, idealistic thought that I can stand guard. Now I know better. I'm a coward. But....

"Behold, the Lord GOD comes with might, and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him." Isaiah 40:10

Please pray for Zamboanga, Syria, Egypt, and the all over the world. Pray that Christians take heart in these heartbreaking circumstances and they remember whom they belong: What is your only comfort in life and death? Jesus Christ.

Living by Example (1 Peter 2:11-12; 3:1-2)

1. Context: The appeal to Christians of this world
 - We are citizens living as aliens in this world.
 - Citizens of Heaven: We must abstain from evil desires of this world.
 - Evil desires:
    - James 1:15 - Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is full grown brings forth death.
    - Temporary Physical Satisfaction

Principle: By our conduct and good deeds, we show unbelievers the way to God.

2. Conduct: Why conduct?
 - God wants Christians to be living testimonies of His love and mercy toward non-believers because through our lives, He calls others to Himself (Indirect Evangelism or Relationship Evangelism)

Principle 1: Our conduct and confession of faith should not serve as a stumbling block for non-believers.

 - Living Godly Lives: praiseworthy, noble, morally good in the sight of men
 - Christians are living glass houses.

Principle 2: We must walk our talk.

 - Though accused of wrong doing, Christians should strive for such exemplary conduct that slanderous accusations of unbelievers remain godless (1 Peter 3:16 - Having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.)

Principle 3: Christians will "silence the ignorant talk of foolish men." (1 Peter 2:15 - For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should silence the ignorance of foolish people.)

3. Counsel: Application from Peter
 - In principle, How can a Christian evangelize to non-believers?

1st, Admonition to Submission:
 - We must carry our own cross and follow Jesus.
2nd, Action:
 - We must exemplify what we learn from our faith. (James 2:18 - But someone will say, "You have faith and I have works." Show me your faith apart from your works and I will show you my faith by my works.)
3rd, Attention:
 - We must be "witnesses without works" to our loved ones.
 - We are not the gospel, but we only point people to the gospel.