War in the Philippines (part 2)

After my mourning (slash) worry struggle for the chaos around the world (not just South Philippines), I circulated a letter with permission from a friend in the war zone. She was asking for help and support in cash or kind to provide relief for fellow evacuees. A parachurch foundation read the letter and was willing to provide for them.

The next day, my friend begged for help on how to transport the goods from Manila to Zamboanga via Cagayan de Oro. It was hard trying to find a way on how to transfer the goods. I called my parents for their military connection but they said the military had their hands full already. Then they said, also an officemate said, that we contact a TV network's foundation for help and advice.

Two days later, that's today (3rd day) as I am writing this, I'm still waiting to have a talk with the TV network's foundation. I have other ways in mind, but I have to wait for this meeting. If this meeting wouldn't be successful, then I can go out and ask for help from mission orgs and my church for help to transport the goods via land. Land transfer (8-12hrs travel from CDO to Zambo) is hard especially that rebels can block the truck and loot the goods. We hope to have the transfer by air.

Leaving details aside, how am I? Scared and overwhelmed. This responsibility is also my first time. The only ability I can do is imagine ways, find ideas, and connect with key contacts. I felt feverish and overwhelmed the first day I took this responsibility; I felt hot and getting a headache. Maybe I was just super-excited. Yester-night, I was feeling the fear that this might not happen. This morning, right when I woke up, I felt I might get embarrassed if this wouldn't happen. Even that whenever I hear anything that booms, I get traumatized suddenly though I'm not in the war field.

I also faced a temptation of pride, but I will to humble myself for I am just a servant of God. Both in high or low times, true Christians will be faced any kind of temptation.

I keep praying to trust in God and rely on Him for He is bigger than this event. I keep reminding myself the God is in control, my King is in control, He knows what is happening. I also rebuke myself that anxiety dishonors God. I will just continue to thank God, trust and rely on Him, things happen in his control. Him only is constant than the events we face in life. I even ask help for God to guard my thoughts and my heart from entertaining sin. God forgive me.

I take this responsibility because I want to help and to bring glory to God. It is my pleasure and gratitude that I am a child of God and a fellow servant to King Jesus.

My Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it in heaven. Give us this day, relief and providence for this responsibility for our Zambo fellowmen and siblings in Christ. Forgive me for dishonoring you with my fear and anxiety. Lead me not into temptation of pride and anxiety and self-centeredness, protect me from the evil one, guard my mind and heart. For yours alone is your kingdom, you power and your glory. May your work be displayed in this present time. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN.

War in the Philippines (part 1)

Specifically in Zamboanga City, Philippines.

I just saw a video of the situation and heard gunshots. I remembered I told my mentor who asked me if I'd be on a mission field, would I be ready of what would happen?

I thought, "Meaning gunshots? Yes, I'm ready."

But hearing those gunshots on video, I could imagine myself curling by the corner and covering my ears. I did think too that if I'm in my comfort zone, I'd probably close my ears and hide in fear, but if I'm NOT in my comfort zone and no one to rely on, I could stand guard and help others. However, I may not know what my reaction would be, I might be just stunned.

So I'm sorry, I humble myself, for saying that courageous, idealistic thought that I can stand guard. Now I know better. I'm a coward. But....

"Behold, the Lord GOD comes with might, and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him." Isaiah 40:10

Please pray for Zamboanga, Syria, Egypt, and the all over the world. Pray that Christians take heart in these heartbreaking circumstances and they remember whom they belong: What is your only comfort in life and death? Jesus Christ.

Living an Interesting Life (Sunday, Aug 26 2012)

I chose that title because though my life can be unattractive but in Christ, having the persecutions and ups & downs are part of life. Especially when having the joy and peace to worship and know God more despite the troubles, so that's an interesting life to grow and be molded to be a child of God. I also got the title from my mentor's description about my struggles during his counsel before.

Last week's Friday, I didn't join the IO service. Neither did I join last Sunday service nor other churches but I attended my home church. For the rest of my Sunday, I went out with an visiting friend-acquaintance and home church "friends" (some of whom who would push me to the corner and forget about me...yet despite that I just want) to have some fun and be away from the city for one day and one night. Alas! I had fun and evidenced by a worn out body.

Last Saturday was a wedding from a couple in our church. They were my close friends.

In that wedding, I had also met my mentor who moved to another city. I was so happy to see him, I hugged him. On that day, a pastor also spoke to me, quoting a radio podcast she heard from Grace To You. She shared to me that to be a part of a team, I must have or must be:

T - Trust or Trustworthy
E - Excellence
A - Acceptance and Adjustment
M - Mentoring

In a team, there has to be trust, striving for excellence, acceptance and adjustment, and mentoring from equipped individuals from the team.

She said that the reason I wasn't allowed to help out in the youth was because I was not trusted.

I know there are people who look down at me. Some of those people are in the youth core. However, though there are people looking down at me, I have to keep in mind there are a few who still believe in me, and they are leaders, too. They may not be as influential as those who look down at me, but they are still God's.

1 Timothy 4:12 

"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity."

She also said to me that what I had been doing, the running away, was my way of serving and worshiping God, not God's Way. Though my intentions were good: so I could be open-minded towards other churches and Christians, so I could learn from them, so I could widen my vision of God's Kingdom; I was still not worshiping and serving God, His Way. She could be right, but I just wondered, "I am still not free. How can I grow by myself?"

To also add to the letter E of team, Exemplary. To be worthy to be a good example towards others. I got that from my mentor's preaching, as the guest pastor, last Sunday, Living by Example (preaching from the book of 1 Peter).

I had a chat with my mentor last Sunday. It was short. We only went through some chapters of Romans, where we left before he left. Yet, we're not finished with Romans. I tried sharing to my spiritual father about my last week's Sunday, but he didn't seem to be interested or maybe his time was short. I was trying to share my heartaches. I began to wonder, "What does Dad want to hear from me? Could I be no longer be who I was after he left because he said I was reflecting my ex-mentor's attitude? Maybe I am becoming negative. What can I do to change to be the person pleasing to Dad?"

I also share my heartaches and fun times to my new spiritual mother (she's also not from my city). There were also times she might not be reading my messages. I really wondered, "How can I share where I can have some interaction? I want to know, am I growing in a thorny soil (Parable of the Sower, Luke 8:4-8)? It is hard to have mentors who are far away."

Then... Though I want to please my spiritual parents, I still have to grow up, grow out, and have my own spiritual children someday as well. God is our ultimate Father of us all. My spiritual parents work will be effective when I have grown up and they become spiritual grandparents, and that God is my only source of joy and comfort regardless of my spiritual parents' limited provision of joy and comfort.

I miss my spiritual parents. I miss their hugs and back rubs, too. I miss hugging them back as well.

It's Tuesday. I am re-thinking of my goals and decisions and commitments. At home, I am not free, I have to abide to my parents even if it means a short time to reflect, read books, and a desire to spend many times with God my Father. In the office, I am also not free, I may not be able to read books even in idle times. In church, I am not free, I have no mentors yet, can't get myself to be discipled, trained, and equipped. HOW CAN I HAVE MORE TIME TO SPEND WITH MY FATHER GOD? I WANT TO READ BOOKS BUT HOW, CONSIDERING THE IMPRISONED LIFE I AM LIVING? If I go back to my home church and back to the old routine, I may be juggling a lot of tasks and I may get burned out again, and grouchier, too.

Psalm 46:10 

Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth! 

John 14:1,27 

[Jesus said] Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe [Trust] in God; believe [trust] also in me.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

God's Design of Love (Journal)

Attended Inside Out the second time, the message today is fromt the verse Romans 5:8,
but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Then speaker led us to our usual role models, imperfect models:
1. Publicized Model (Daniel and his friends)  Daniel 1:1-10
    - The king was the supposed role model in this story, but because of the king's food, the young men weren't healthy-looking unlike David and his friends who only ate according to God's Design.
2. Peer Culture (Noah and the Ark) Genesis 6:2 - 8:22
    - As years went by, the dress code of before was more modest than today.
    - In Noah's time, people were wicked. They followed only what their peers do.
3. People of the church (Eli and his sons) 1 Samuel 2:12-36
    - Eli's sons were wicked. They were priests but were disobedient against God whom they served.

People, even those whom we look up to, may have wronged us and we have been short of their love.

Yet God, who is our Creator and whose love is perfect, has sent Jesus to be a ransom for us who are sinners, guilty to be thrown to hell.

My thoughts:
God. I am not growing in Christ anymore. I hate my ex-mentor, my Big Sister, so much. I cannot forgive her nor I can even repent of my unforgiving and unrepentant heart to you. Reading your word has become an effort.

Dear God. I am becoming indifferent to your love. With this limited, logical, concrete mind that I have, it is hard to envision what you have done for me, envision grace and your love.

Dear God. I ask for guidance. I ask for an accountability. Bring me back to your worship. If it is your will, let me change on how am I to deal with Achi. Or how to mend my trust and relationship with her. It is hard to trust for I am afraid to be hurt and left alone. It is hard to even look at her. I don't want to see her neither do I want to leave my home church. Even though she's a bad pastor, I pray God, open her eyes and know you more and take accountability of her responsibilities as a pastor, a mother in church, and a Big Sister. I have not right to judge her. I have no right to condemn her though she has condemned me by her judgments against me. I have not willpower to forgive her, but forgive her dear God for her flaws.

God. I pray for help. You know I can't do this alone. Please send help. God. Let me have a job as well. If it is your will, let me have a job with Toyota. Let me have a job. I am tired sending my applications already. Please dear God. I ask for guidance to your Word and your Kingdom. In Jesus' extraordinary, beyond all thoughts, name. AMEN.

Jesus Prays in Gethsemane (Journal)

The message yesterday was about Jesus praying in the Gethsemane (found in Matthew 26:36-46; Mark 14:32-42; Luke 22:39-46).

If we remember the story, usually we could remember "the spirit is willing but the body is weak". That was the case with Jesus' disciples. And we could also remember Jesus submitted to Father God, "not my will but your will be done."

In this message, I never thought about the passage like how it was taught by the speaker that night. The speaker spoke to us about the Scripture and related it with our present times now. He also explained it in Jesus' character.

That night in Gethsemane before Jesus' arrest, Jesus needed companionship. Jesus wished for his disciples, his friends to go with him as he pray in the dark, that's why he chose his three closest friends (Peter, James, John). When Jesus came back from prayer, he saw his friends sleeping while he was already in a very troubling situation. While Jesus was praying, Father God had been silent. The Bible hadn't recorded Father God to be speaking with Jesus. Jesus was feeling all lonely and scared, like a human. In the movie "Passion of the Christ", Satan was there trying to disturb Jesus while Father God was silent. Yet in the end, Jesus submitted to God and let God do as He wills.

Like Jesus' friends, our most trusted and reliable friends were usually the ones who could fail us and hurt us the most. (True!)
Like Jesus' Father, who's also our Father, could also be so silent during our most lonely and tough times. (True!) And the enemy trying to disturb us so badly that we could slip away from God's original plan.

My ex-mentor had been telling me to "submit to God" 2-3 years ago, but "submit" was just a mere word to me. I didn't understand what submission really was..until now. I'm not too much with words, words are foreign to me, my lack of communication skills. I learn more with what I see or visualize. Anyway...

I have been indifferent regarding Christianity (and it's flaws) and brotherly love. Every time I read about God's command on "brotherly love", I am disliking it...because of my painful experiences, I am not wanting to do anything about it. It hurts so much to love yet our close persons are hurting us that can break us hard.

Even my family. From the fight this today's breakfast, my family told me to "stop twisting my brain". They were accusing me that I went out far that I depleted the car's fuel, when I bought fuel and did errands. I was complaining, "How about [my brother]? Where did he go? How much did he pay for gas? I bought fuel because before I used it, it was already depleted." But, my brother left without accusations, they didn't believe me, and I was coined a jealous person. Angry, I lied I went FAR AWAY and they believed it.

When they said I had a twisted mind (YA!! I'm insane. I should be in an insane asylum. Why then do they have to let me do all this work if I'm insane?), I was also waiting for them to say, "Is that what a Christian does? Is that what your home church taught you?" I would interrupt, "I'm no longer a Christian!!" Seeing my Bible, I thought "This sucks. What's the point?" Didn't read my Bible today. Didn't eat breakfast.

I thought that after the message yesterday, "this could be a start of my journey". But then today, "Life sucks."