Teen Alert: Dealing with Substance Abuse (Journal - R18)

R-18

Issue 34 of Moms: Building the best families, a magazine of Asia Pacific Media Ministries.

Reading this article, these troubled teens came from dysfunctional families (deficient parents, abusive parents, controlling parents, alcoholic parents) which led them to do illegal things. I thought:

I may not be doing drugs or doing crimes but I feel the same with these troubled teens. We may have the same causes that lead them to do bad things, and the effect which they go out looking for acceptance, belongingness, find something enjoying to do, and wishing to feel alive. And further do harm in themselves like making wrong decisions, indifferent towards friends and families, and wanting to do things our way, be independent and self-reliant, just to survive in this cruel world.

I am not doing drugs but I am longing to feel alive. Before, I tend to hurt myself by punching walls and throw my body against the walls especially when I am angry and overwhelmed with anger that I cannot buffer my agitated self and temper. I also hit my head to tolerate stressful times especially being verbally tormented. I also **********. I have ********* since 6yo.

I don't imagine of anything dirty and filthy when I do this (I have been often asked what I am thinking when I do this). I am just looking for something to feel alive. ************ may still equate to pain. Pain makes me feel alive. Pain gives much pressure on my body which makes me feel calm. Physical pain also gets me distracted from emotional pain. So I am not addicted to ************, but I am addicted to pain and harming myself.

Last year, I was evaluated by my ex-mentor (aka my ex-counselor) that I might have homosexual tendencies. Referred me to a professional psychologist specializing in gender issues who happened to be an effeminate straight large man and a director of an orphanage. My ex-mentor evaluated me that because she said I was addicted to hugs and physical touches that she was feeling uncomfortable and uneasy with me, and because I was a tomboy (boyish but not lesbian).

While I was already feeling comfortable with my mentor/counselor of 3 years, slowly building my self-esteem, feeling more loved, and found belonging, she would identify me that way.

I yearn for Physical Touch, my other love language with Quality Time. I keep on asking for hugs. Hugs have the same effect with pain. It offers pressure to my body which I can relax physically and mentally. Because I don't get hugs often or love, if going back to 6yo, I have resorted to ************ and love of d******.

I never have sexual desires with the same sex, so I don't have homo tendencies, but she is stubborn. She wouldn't tell me she is wrong about me. Never say sorry and take back what she has said until now. So when we try to reconcile, weeks later we have conflict and again we are indifferent from each other. Yet now, it's hard to forgive & love her again, especially with withholding me the opportunities for my growth and denying me the Bible AGAIN!

Our conflict comes back, days/weeks later every after we "reconcile", maybe because I still find it hard to trust her again. I get suspiscious. I easily get frustrated if she doesn't listen to me or give me what I wish for. Her reasons are very questionable and doesn't sound reliable.

Anyway, many times I have overcome ************ (but not yet with hitting myself) because of its sensitivity and filthiness, but I relapse when I experience loneliness, being left out, rejected, abandoned, misunderstood again.

I am sorry. God I am sorry. Help me forgive. Help me be merciful with myself (whatever that means, help me know what mercy is). Let me know more of Your grace. Help me stop vibrating my private parts.

I thought my new mentor has already made me understand what is pornography and the like, why we have this, why married couples do this. Though, while listening to my new mentor, I felt uncomfortable with the topic. I could have missed out some points.

May this "self-therapy" of mine help like the therapy of one-on-one bible study with my new mentor. Because the 1-on-1 BS helped me that time from my e-mentor and experiencing the Typhoon Sendong/Washi. Learning theology. Knowing God's law. Knowing God's grace through Scriptures. Expositional Bible Study/preachin/teaching.

Jesus Prays in Gethsemane (Journal)

The message yesterday was about Jesus praying in the Gethsemane (found in Matthew 26:36-46; Mark 14:32-42; Luke 22:39-46).

If we remember the story, usually we could remember "the spirit is willing but the body is weak". That was the case with Jesus' disciples. And we could also remember Jesus submitted to Father God, "not my will but your will be done."

In this message, I never thought about the passage like how it was taught by the speaker that night. The speaker spoke to us about the Scripture and related it with our present times now. He also explained it in Jesus' character.

That night in Gethsemane before Jesus' arrest, Jesus needed companionship. Jesus wished for his disciples, his friends to go with him as he pray in the dark, that's why he chose his three closest friends (Peter, James, John). When Jesus came back from prayer, he saw his friends sleeping while he was already in a very troubling situation. While Jesus was praying, Father God had been silent. The Bible hadn't recorded Father God to be speaking with Jesus. Jesus was feeling all lonely and scared, like a human. In the movie "Passion of the Christ", Satan was there trying to disturb Jesus while Father God was silent. Yet in the end, Jesus submitted to God and let God do as He wills.

Like Jesus' friends, our most trusted and reliable friends were usually the ones who could fail us and hurt us the most. (True!)
Like Jesus' Father, who's also our Father, could also be so silent during our most lonely and tough times. (True!) And the enemy trying to disturb us so badly that we could slip away from God's original plan.

My ex-mentor had been telling me to "submit to God" 2-3 years ago, but "submit" was just a mere word to me. I didn't understand what submission really was..until now. I'm not too much with words, words are foreign to me, my lack of communication skills. I learn more with what I see or visualize. Anyway...

I have been indifferent regarding Christianity (and it's flaws) and brotherly love. Every time I read about God's command on "brotherly love", I am disliking it...because of my painful experiences, I am not wanting to do anything about it. It hurts so much to love yet our close persons are hurting us that can break us hard.

Even my family. From the fight this today's breakfast, my family told me to "stop twisting my brain". They were accusing me that I went out far that I depleted the car's fuel, when I bought fuel and did errands. I was complaining, "How about [my brother]? Where did he go? How much did he pay for gas? I bought fuel because before I used it, it was already depleted." But, my brother left without accusations, they didn't believe me, and I was coined a jealous person. Angry, I lied I went FAR AWAY and they believed it.

When they said I had a twisted mind (YA!! I'm insane. I should be in an insane asylum. Why then do they have to let me do all this work if I'm insane?), I was also waiting for them to say, "Is that what a Christian does? Is that what your home church taught you?" I would interrupt, "I'm no longer a Christian!!" Seeing my Bible, I thought "This sucks. What's the point?" Didn't read my Bible today. Didn't eat breakfast.

I thought that after the message yesterday, "this could be a start of my journey". But then today, "Life sucks."