Discontent over Present Circumstances

Father, forgive me I am not content in my work, being unfulfilled, bored, and I really don't know what I am doing. Father, I'm being close-minded with my own wants. Forgive me also that I am not content living with my parents. I don't have enough salary to have my own place. If I can have my own place, I no longer have savings to save, I'm not even sure if my salary can also fit for my own needs. Father, I feel imprisoned.

I want more time to study and do my assignments. I want more time to be with people. I just want to be free.

Father forgive me I fail to be content with you and complaining about these things. You have everything I don't have. You can provide for all my needs. Father, save me. Save me from my boring, unfulfilling, low-salary job. Save me from living in my parents' house. Save me from being alone. Father, please save me.

I trust you can change my present situation, but why do I still have to stay here like this? Father, please, I can't take it any longer. Help me. Give me strength. Father, please. Abba!!

Sunday, Aug 19 2012 (Travel)

It's Tuesday. I'm still not in the mood to write about my Sunday-backpacking day and last Friday.

Last Saturday, I didn't go out early because I slept at 2AM. My mother woke up and found out that I planned to leave later. She then took my supposedly-resting-sleeping time to be her make-breakfast-help-out time. Why do they have to use my time as their own? Annoyed, I went back to my covers and uttered, "Let me have a job, God!! You're annoying, God!! Darn it!!"

I got up a little bit later. My brother prepared the breakfast. I only prepared the breakfast table and fed the dogs. Took a bath, prepared to leave.

"If I stay home, they will use my time as their own. So, it's better to leave and use my time other else. Sunday is supposed to my time of rest."

Went to a Reformed Church but found out, I was given an un-updated location. So I went to an Assembly of God church. It was a big church. They had Sunday School for all ages before the worship service started. Then I went to Christ's Commission Church, 2nd time to be there.

These two churches I went, they're message was like an hour long. It was making me drowsy. The first church, it was hard to understand what he was talking about. Hard to contemplate because I still had to understand the vernacular, his tone of voice and expression, his shifting from vernacular to English, and the message at the same time. Second church, the speaker was talking about eschatology in the perspective of the Middle East's prophecy upon their land or region. Their were points from the speaker which made me wonder his reliability. Reliability of today's economy. Could he have got his sources from rumors or from accurately reliable sources?

For my lunch, I went to a new restaurant in town. I was enjoying my Korean lunch alone.

After lunch, though still early, I went to Inside Out (IO) already, supposedly to start my devotion and study. However, I ended up surfing the internet.

During the IO service, the message was from Matthew 14:22-34 (The Storm, Jesus, and Peter). The speaker was a mentee, a new college graduate, a youth. Wow!

Last Friday IO's service, the message was from Ephesians 2:1-9 (Is Living in Sin Really Living?). The speaker was a college student, too. However, she said a mistake, "Paul hates God." Paul did not hate God. He was a scholar, a teacher of the law, a priest. He did hate Christians. That was where the young speaker made a mistake.

I pray, my home church, would someday have many young leaders that we don't have to be too dependent on our pastors and elder leaders, the Ahias and Achies.

I have nothing to say about those two messages, but I recorded the messages, embedded above. Like I said, I have not been in the mood. No mood, no words, less expression.

Under the Fig Tree (Journal)

Today's message is about Nathanael, Philip, and Jesus. (John 1:43-51)

The speaker started with Nathanael. Nathanael is a cynic or a skeptic who would ask questions critically.

Philip was a new convert (v.43). when he saw Nathanael, probably his friend, the on-fire Philip, full of joy, shared to Nathanael what he was overjoyed of. Philip shared to Nathanael about Jesus. However, like every new convert, or rather anyone, having the lack of discipling, training, or knowledge of the Bible, Philip said something wrong. Philip said "Jesus from Nazareth, when Jesus came from Bethlehem." (v.45)

Then Nathanael critically asked the question, "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" (v.46a)

Yet, Philip did not argue with Nathanael nor was he discouraged. Philip, rather, invited Nathanael to "Come and see." (v.46b)

We, Christians, can make mistakes when we profess/share/testify our faith to other people. And people can be so critical with us. I, too, am a skeptic, yet a skeptic who is open for truth. We do not know if one person is hungry to know Truth. Therefore, let us do what Philip has done, invite others to "Come and see" either church, bible study, or a studying together the Bible, somewhat discipling someone though they may not yet have accepted Christ. But through true Bible Study, one can know Christ and God's grace, and the person may come to faith.

Back to the Scriptures.

Nathanael had not yet seen Jesus, but Jesus greeted him like they had known each other. (v.47)

Surprised, Nathanael asked, "How do you know me?"

Jesus replied, "I saw you under the fig tree, before Philip told you about me."

Then, Nathanael proclaimed Jesus as, "Rabbi, you are the Son of God..the King of Israel." (v.49)

And here is Jesus calling for Nathanael, "You will see greater thing than [knowing I saw you under the fig tree]. I tell you the truth, you will see heaven open and angels of God going up and coming down on the Son of Man."

Jesus and the Samaritan woman. Jesus knew the woman had many husbands and a live-in partner before the woman dared to share to Jesus her life. Jesus was able to form a connection with the woman and Nathanael for Jesus understood them. Jesus was able to build trust and relationship with them even though, they were crippling inside.

When it comes to relationships, when I heard Jesus came to understand and form a connection with the Samaritan woman and Nathanael, I have experienced something similar. I am able to form some immediate trust when the person understands me and say things which really describes me, which I am not able to describe myself. A person who is able to read my thoughts before I even say it. Actually, that person was my ex-mentor. My ex-mentor may not be a perfect person, yet I am remembered today of what good she had done to me during our early years. She had true compassion for me, even gave me special attention and most of her time to me. But in the later years, she lost that compassion and not anymore understanding. And then, I lost my trust on her.

Anyway, back to Jesus.

Now, what is the fig tree? What is Jesus saying to Nathanael, he saw him under fig tree?

The speaker said, the fig tree could mean our secret places or our inner selves. Under the fig tree could mean, what we do or who we truly are.

The speaker then illustrated that we usually and easily let people come into our lives because of fear that people may come to know us, and when they know more about us, they may leave us, and we get hurt again. He also illustrated, we choose who we invite into our houses or rooms. What if the speaker let us come into his room. As a supposed reliable trusted speaker, he has a messy room. How then can we trust him?

Human, as we are, we some times, if not many times, do not walk our talk. Yet Jesus, no matter how crooked we are, still allows us to come to know him.

When I heard the part where the speaker illustrated about his room and as a speaker/leader, suddenly, BIG tears fell from my eyes.

I am afraid to let people know me. I am afraid that when people know me more, they may leave me, and hurt me bad. I am afraid to stumble people with the bad example, bad influence, or bad life that I live. I am afraid people may get angry at me or hate me. I am afraid to let people know what a mess I am. I am not worthy to be called into God's ministry. Yet, I am convicted and reminded of God's grace with just that simple story, it doesn't matter how much of a failure I am. Doesn't matter how many times my family or a pastor would judge me bad or what a mess my room is or that I am selfish or a perfectionist. As long as I show or tell people about Jesus, I am nothing. Somehow, that messy person I am is not who I truly am. I am God's own. No matter if I am not worthy, Jesus still accepts me.

Though my outer shell is a pretend me, trying to behave like "everyone" else and my inner shell is a messed up person, my innermost part should be where Jesus is, should be who I truly am, identified to be with Jesus.

At times, I do lose focus, even after today's message. My mind is telling me, "That is not reality. Reality is this, when you leave "God's place". Reality is where the world really is. You must be just dreaming. All filled up with emotions. Those things won't last. Being called by God is just a delusion which you're making up inside your head. You're not really called. This is your life. A life where, at home, you don't own your time. In church, you'd be neglected. You're reality also is that you have no job. Being in a seminary or a worker of God is not a real job. That's only a vocation, not a profession. How can you live? How can you earn BIG and buy all the stuff you like? How can you have a comfortable life? That is not the reality. Your reality is that you're a mess. You're just a loner. You'll forever be a loner. Your friends aren't really friends. You are just friends because you have the same emotions concerning God and His grace. That is not reality."

My mind is my greatest battle.

Teen Alert: Dealing with Substance Abuse (Journal - R18)

R-18

Issue 34 of Moms: Building the best families, a magazine of Asia Pacific Media Ministries.

Reading this article, these troubled teens came from dysfunctional families (deficient parents, abusive parents, controlling parents, alcoholic parents) which led them to do illegal things. I thought:

I may not be doing drugs or doing crimes but I feel the same with these troubled teens. We may have the same causes that lead them to do bad things, and the effect which they go out looking for acceptance, belongingness, find something enjoying to do, and wishing to feel alive. And further do harm in themselves like making wrong decisions, indifferent towards friends and families, and wanting to do things our way, be independent and self-reliant, just to survive in this cruel world.

I am not doing drugs but I am longing to feel alive. Before, I tend to hurt myself by punching walls and throw my body against the walls especially when I am angry and overwhelmed with anger that I cannot buffer my agitated self and temper. I also hit my head to tolerate stressful times especially being verbally tormented. I also **********. I have ********* since 6yo.

I don't imagine of anything dirty and filthy when I do this (I have been often asked what I am thinking when I do this). I am just looking for something to feel alive. ************ may still equate to pain. Pain makes me feel alive. Pain gives much pressure on my body which makes me feel calm. Physical pain also gets me distracted from emotional pain. So I am not addicted to ************, but I am addicted to pain and harming myself.

Last year, I was evaluated by my ex-mentor (aka my ex-counselor) that I might have homosexual tendencies. Referred me to a professional psychologist specializing in gender issues who happened to be an effeminate straight large man and a director of an orphanage. My ex-mentor evaluated me that because she said I was addicted to hugs and physical touches that she was feeling uncomfortable and uneasy with me, and because I was a tomboy (boyish but not lesbian).

While I was already feeling comfortable with my mentor/counselor of 3 years, slowly building my self-esteem, feeling more loved, and found belonging, she would identify me that way.

I yearn for Physical Touch, my other love language with Quality Time. I keep on asking for hugs. Hugs have the same effect with pain. It offers pressure to my body which I can relax physically and mentally. Because I don't get hugs often or love, if going back to 6yo, I have resorted to ************ and love of d******.

I never have sexual desires with the same sex, so I don't have homo tendencies, but she is stubborn. She wouldn't tell me she is wrong about me. Never say sorry and take back what she has said until now. So when we try to reconcile, weeks later we have conflict and again we are indifferent from each other. Yet now, it's hard to forgive & love her again, especially with withholding me the opportunities for my growth and denying me the Bible AGAIN!

Our conflict comes back, days/weeks later every after we "reconcile", maybe because I still find it hard to trust her again. I get suspiscious. I easily get frustrated if she doesn't listen to me or give me what I wish for. Her reasons are very questionable and doesn't sound reliable.

Anyway, many times I have overcome ************ (but not yet with hitting myself) because of its sensitivity and filthiness, but I relapse when I experience loneliness, being left out, rejected, abandoned, misunderstood again.

I am sorry. God I am sorry. Help me forgive. Help me be merciful with myself (whatever that means, help me know what mercy is). Let me know more of Your grace. Help me stop vibrating my private parts.

I thought my new mentor has already made me understand what is pornography and the like, why we have this, why married couples do this. Though, while listening to my new mentor, I felt uncomfortable with the topic. I could have missed out some points.

May this "self-therapy" of mine help like the therapy of one-on-one bible study with my new mentor. Because the 1-on-1 BS helped me that time from my e-mentor and experiencing the Typhoon Sendong/Washi. Learning theology. Knowing God's law. Knowing God's grace through Scriptures. Expositional Bible Study/preachin/teaching.