Under the Fig Tree (Journal)

Today's message is about Nathanael, Philip, and Jesus. (John 1:43-51)

The speaker started with Nathanael. Nathanael is a cynic or a skeptic who would ask questions critically.

Philip was a new convert (v.43). when he saw Nathanael, probably his friend, the on-fire Philip, full of joy, shared to Nathanael what he was overjoyed of. Philip shared to Nathanael about Jesus. However, like every new convert, or rather anyone, having the lack of discipling, training, or knowledge of the Bible, Philip said something wrong. Philip said "Jesus from Nazareth, when Jesus came from Bethlehem." (v.45)

Then Nathanael critically asked the question, "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" (v.46a)

Yet, Philip did not argue with Nathanael nor was he discouraged. Philip, rather, invited Nathanael to "Come and see." (v.46b)

We, Christians, can make mistakes when we profess/share/testify our faith to other people. And people can be so critical with us. I, too, am a skeptic, yet a skeptic who is open for truth. We do not know if one person is hungry to know Truth. Therefore, let us do what Philip has done, invite others to "Come and see" either church, bible study, or a studying together the Bible, somewhat discipling someone though they may not yet have accepted Christ. But through true Bible Study, one can know Christ and God's grace, and the person may come to faith.

Back to the Scriptures.

Nathanael had not yet seen Jesus, but Jesus greeted him like they had known each other. (v.47)

Surprised, Nathanael asked, "How do you know me?"

Jesus replied, "I saw you under the fig tree, before Philip told you about me."

Then, Nathanael proclaimed Jesus as, "Rabbi, you are the Son of God..the King of Israel." (v.49)

And here is Jesus calling for Nathanael, "You will see greater thing than [knowing I saw you under the fig tree]. I tell you the truth, you will see heaven open and angels of God going up and coming down on the Son of Man."

Jesus and the Samaritan woman. Jesus knew the woman had many husbands and a live-in partner before the woman dared to share to Jesus her life. Jesus was able to form a connection with the woman and Nathanael for Jesus understood them. Jesus was able to build trust and relationship with them even though, they were crippling inside.

When it comes to relationships, when I heard Jesus came to understand and form a connection with the Samaritan woman and Nathanael, I have experienced something similar. I am able to form some immediate trust when the person understands me and say things which really describes me, which I am not able to describe myself. A person who is able to read my thoughts before I even say it. Actually, that person was my ex-mentor. My ex-mentor may not be a perfect person, yet I am remembered today of what good she had done to me during our early years. She had true compassion for me, even gave me special attention and most of her time to me. But in the later years, she lost that compassion and not anymore understanding. And then, I lost my trust on her.

Anyway, back to Jesus.

Now, what is the fig tree? What is Jesus saying to Nathanael, he saw him under fig tree?

The speaker said, the fig tree could mean our secret places or our inner selves. Under the fig tree could mean, what we do or who we truly are.

The speaker then illustrated that we usually and easily let people come into our lives because of fear that people may come to know us, and when they know more about us, they may leave us, and we get hurt again. He also illustrated, we choose who we invite into our houses or rooms. What if the speaker let us come into his room. As a supposed reliable trusted speaker, he has a messy room. How then can we trust him?

Human, as we are, we some times, if not many times, do not walk our talk. Yet Jesus, no matter how crooked we are, still allows us to come to know him.

When I heard the part where the speaker illustrated about his room and as a speaker/leader, suddenly, BIG tears fell from my eyes.

I am afraid to let people know me. I am afraid that when people know me more, they may leave me, and hurt me bad. I am afraid to stumble people with the bad example, bad influence, or bad life that I live. I am afraid people may get angry at me or hate me. I am afraid to let people know what a mess I am. I am not worthy to be called into God's ministry. Yet, I am convicted and reminded of God's grace with just that simple story, it doesn't matter how much of a failure I am. Doesn't matter how many times my family or a pastor would judge me bad or what a mess my room is or that I am selfish or a perfectionist. As long as I show or tell people about Jesus, I am nothing. Somehow, that messy person I am is not who I truly am. I am God's own. No matter if I am not worthy, Jesus still accepts me.

Though my outer shell is a pretend me, trying to behave like "everyone" else and my inner shell is a messed up person, my innermost part should be where Jesus is, should be who I truly am, identified to be with Jesus.

At times, I do lose focus, even after today's message. My mind is telling me, "That is not reality. Reality is this, when you leave "God's place". Reality is where the world really is. You must be just dreaming. All filled up with emotions. Those things won't last. Being called by God is just a delusion which you're making up inside your head. You're not really called. This is your life. A life where, at home, you don't own your time. In church, you'd be neglected. You're reality also is that you have no job. Being in a seminary or a worker of God is not a real job. That's only a vocation, not a profession. How can you live? How can you earn BIG and buy all the stuff you like? How can you have a comfortable life? That is not the reality. Your reality is that you're a mess. You're just a loner. You'll forever be a loner. Your friends aren't really friends. You are just friends because you have the same emotions concerning God and His grace. That is not reality."

My mind is my greatest battle.

Jesus Prays in Gethsemane (Journal)

The message yesterday was about Jesus praying in the Gethsemane (found in Matthew 26:36-46; Mark 14:32-42; Luke 22:39-46).

If we remember the story, usually we could remember "the spirit is willing but the body is weak". That was the case with Jesus' disciples. And we could also remember Jesus submitted to Father God, "not my will but your will be done."

In this message, I never thought about the passage like how it was taught by the speaker that night. The speaker spoke to us about the Scripture and related it with our present times now. He also explained it in Jesus' character.

That night in Gethsemane before Jesus' arrest, Jesus needed companionship. Jesus wished for his disciples, his friends to go with him as he pray in the dark, that's why he chose his three closest friends (Peter, James, John). When Jesus came back from prayer, he saw his friends sleeping while he was already in a very troubling situation. While Jesus was praying, Father God had been silent. The Bible hadn't recorded Father God to be speaking with Jesus. Jesus was feeling all lonely and scared, like a human. In the movie "Passion of the Christ", Satan was there trying to disturb Jesus while Father God was silent. Yet in the end, Jesus submitted to God and let God do as He wills.

Like Jesus' friends, our most trusted and reliable friends were usually the ones who could fail us and hurt us the most. (True!)
Like Jesus' Father, who's also our Father, could also be so silent during our most lonely and tough times. (True!) And the enemy trying to disturb us so badly that we could slip away from God's original plan.

My ex-mentor had been telling me to "submit to God" 2-3 years ago, but "submit" was just a mere word to me. I didn't understand what submission really was..until now. I'm not too much with words, words are foreign to me, my lack of communication skills. I learn more with what I see or visualize. Anyway...

I have been indifferent regarding Christianity (and it's flaws) and brotherly love. Every time I read about God's command on "brotherly love", I am disliking it...because of my painful experiences, I am not wanting to do anything about it. It hurts so much to love yet our close persons are hurting us that can break us hard.

Even my family. From the fight this today's breakfast, my family told me to "stop twisting my brain". They were accusing me that I went out far that I depleted the car's fuel, when I bought fuel and did errands. I was complaining, "How about [my brother]? Where did he go? How much did he pay for gas? I bought fuel because before I used it, it was already depleted." But, my brother left without accusations, they didn't believe me, and I was coined a jealous person. Angry, I lied I went FAR AWAY and they believed it.

When they said I had a twisted mind (YA!! I'm insane. I should be in an insane asylum. Why then do they have to let me do all this work if I'm insane?), I was also waiting for them to say, "Is that what a Christian does? Is that what your home church taught you?" I would interrupt, "I'm no longer a Christian!!" Seeing my Bible, I thought "This sucks. What's the point?" Didn't read my Bible today. Didn't eat breakfast.

I thought that after the message yesterday, "this could be a start of my journey". But then today, "Life sucks."