Ravi Zacharias (The Cry of a Lonely Heart)

Excerpt from Ravi Zacharias' book, Cries of the Heart:

Our being longs for God. He has fashioned our hungers. Only in Him is the soul hunger of loneliness met -- not just in love but in worship... The clutching of the Scriptures was [an] expression of Appreciative love to God Himself.

Worship Is More Than Love

When worship is fully understood, it does at least three things that clearly counter the ache of loneliness.

1. The first recognition of worship is the legitimate sense of mystery and the rightful expression of awe. This thrilling recognition of mystery is one of the greatest fulfillments of the human heart. Take a good look at our pursuits in every avenue of knowledge. Why do the horizons of science continue to expand? Only because of our desire to know....

It is little wonder that we have learned to live with loneliness, because our mysteries have a very short shelf life. Is it possible that God who Himself is pure spirit has placed a particular kind of mystery within us so that only in aw of Him can we find perpetual novelty?

We are finite persons. When that finitude loses gratitude ans is in awe of the impersonal, the branches of existence lose connection with the roots of essence, and behavior is studied detached from the mystery of life itself...

How much more would [God] want us to remember that the very life we have is a gift? This reminder to ourselves again and again is at the heart of worship. If it were not for this kind of Appreciative live, one could never truly worship God. Our of a worship that is pure, all other loves fain their definition.

2. Second, not only does this kind of Appreciative love lead to worship that is alive with awe and wonder, it goes beyond itself and gives to others. This is also important to note, because the countering effect of worship in one's loneliness does not stop with the self; it then must reach out to others in their needs and struggles. If it were not for Appreciative love for God, one could never love his or her enemy or even love for another's sake.

Out of Appreciative love flows true Gift-love, given especially to those in the throes of Need-love. Because of our love for God we endure all things, and from the love with which He enriches us flows a love that is not our own. It comes from a deposit He makes in our hearts from which we draw.

In a world full of hate and suspicion, what a distinctive role the Christian can play. This is the only way in which the spread of alienation is arrested and the nearness of Christi's love is brought even nearer to so many who are lonely. All the hatred that is demonstrated in our world has resulted from a world that knows no Appreciative love toward the very author of life.

3. Finally, Appreciative love or worship not only flows our of gratitude to God and spreads the love of God in a hostile world, it also binds the worshiping life into a single focus, touching upon every sense of life itself. Many artists and gifted writers feel the ache of loneliness because theirs is mangled genius. The "sword of Solomon" has done its work in their spirits, cutting them up. They are persons first before they are artists, and a life that seeks fulfillment in its expertise before it dins fulfillment in its being is bound to feel deeply the ache of fragmentation. Just as a child cannot be physically mangled and still retain wholeness, we cannot mangle ourselves essentially without the resultant sense of desolation. Worship brings the coalescence of essence.

Living an Interesting Life (Sunday, Aug 26 2012)

I chose that title because though my life can be unattractive but in Christ, having the persecutions and ups & downs are part of life. Especially when having the joy and peace to worship and know God more despite the troubles, so that's an interesting life to grow and be molded to be a child of God. I also got the title from my mentor's description about my struggles during his counsel before.

Last week's Friday, I didn't join the IO service. Neither did I join last Sunday service nor other churches but I attended my home church. For the rest of my Sunday, I went out with an visiting friend-acquaintance and home church "friends" (some of whom who would push me to the corner and forget about me...yet despite that I just want) to have some fun and be away from the city for one day and one night. Alas! I had fun and evidenced by a worn out body.

Last Saturday was a wedding from a couple in our church. They were my close friends.

In that wedding, I had also met my mentor who moved to another city. I was so happy to see him, I hugged him. On that day, a pastor also spoke to me, quoting a radio podcast she heard from Grace To You. She shared to me that to be a part of a team, I must have or must be:

T - Trust or Trustworthy
E - Excellence
A - Acceptance and Adjustment
M - Mentoring

In a team, there has to be trust, striving for excellence, acceptance and adjustment, and mentoring from equipped individuals from the team.

She said that the reason I wasn't allowed to help out in the youth was because I was not trusted.

I know there are people who look down at me. Some of those people are in the youth core. However, though there are people looking down at me, I have to keep in mind there are a few who still believe in me, and they are leaders, too. They may not be as influential as those who look down at me, but they are still God's.

1 Timothy 4:12 

"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity."

She also said to me that what I had been doing, the running away, was my way of serving and worshiping God, not God's Way. Though my intentions were good: so I could be open-minded towards other churches and Christians, so I could learn from them, so I could widen my vision of God's Kingdom; I was still not worshiping and serving God, His Way. She could be right, but I just wondered, "I am still not free. How can I grow by myself?"

To also add to the letter E of team, Exemplary. To be worthy to be a good example towards others. I got that from my mentor's preaching, as the guest pastor, last Sunday, Living by Example (preaching from the book of 1 Peter).

I had a chat with my mentor last Sunday. It was short. We only went through some chapters of Romans, where we left before he left. Yet, we're not finished with Romans. I tried sharing to my spiritual father about my last week's Sunday, but he didn't seem to be interested or maybe his time was short. I was trying to share my heartaches. I began to wonder, "What does Dad want to hear from me? Could I be no longer be who I was after he left because he said I was reflecting my ex-mentor's attitude? Maybe I am becoming negative. What can I do to change to be the person pleasing to Dad?"

I also share my heartaches and fun times to my new spiritual mother (she's also not from my city). There were also times she might not be reading my messages. I really wondered, "How can I share where I can have some interaction? I want to know, am I growing in a thorny soil (Parable of the Sower, Luke 8:4-8)? It is hard to have mentors who are far away."

Then... Though I want to please my spiritual parents, I still have to grow up, grow out, and have my own spiritual children someday as well. God is our ultimate Father of us all. My spiritual parents work will be effective when I have grown up and they become spiritual grandparents, and that God is my only source of joy and comfort regardless of my spiritual parents' limited provision of joy and comfort.

I miss my spiritual parents. I miss their hugs and back rubs, too. I miss hugging them back as well.

It's Tuesday. I am re-thinking of my goals and decisions and commitments. At home, I am not free, I have to abide to my parents even if it means a short time to reflect, read books, and a desire to spend many times with God my Father. In the office, I am also not free, I may not be able to read books even in idle times. In church, I am not free, I have no mentors yet, can't get myself to be discipled, trained, and equipped. HOW CAN I HAVE MORE TIME TO SPEND WITH MY FATHER GOD? I WANT TO READ BOOKS BUT HOW, CONSIDERING THE IMPRISONED LIFE I AM LIVING? If I go back to my home church and back to the old routine, I may be juggling a lot of tasks and I may get burned out again, and grouchier, too.

Psalm 46:10 

Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth! 

John 14:1,27 

[Jesus said] Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe [Trust] in God; believe [trust] also in me.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Sunday, Aug 19 2012 (Travel)

It's Tuesday. I'm still not in the mood to write about my Sunday-backpacking day and last Friday.

Last Saturday, I didn't go out early because I slept at 2AM. My mother woke up and found out that I planned to leave later. She then took my supposedly-resting-sleeping time to be her make-breakfast-help-out time. Why do they have to use my time as their own? Annoyed, I went back to my covers and uttered, "Let me have a job, God!! You're annoying, God!! Darn it!!"

I got up a little bit later. My brother prepared the breakfast. I only prepared the breakfast table and fed the dogs. Took a bath, prepared to leave.

"If I stay home, they will use my time as their own. So, it's better to leave and use my time other else. Sunday is supposed to my time of rest."

Went to a Reformed Church but found out, I was given an un-updated location. So I went to an Assembly of God church. It was a big church. They had Sunday School for all ages before the worship service started. Then I went to Christ's Commission Church, 2nd time to be there.

These two churches I went, they're message was like an hour long. It was making me drowsy. The first church, it was hard to understand what he was talking about. Hard to contemplate because I still had to understand the vernacular, his tone of voice and expression, his shifting from vernacular to English, and the message at the same time. Second church, the speaker was talking about eschatology in the perspective of the Middle East's prophecy upon their land or region. Their were points from the speaker which made me wonder his reliability. Reliability of today's economy. Could he have got his sources from rumors or from accurately reliable sources?

For my lunch, I went to a new restaurant in town. I was enjoying my Korean lunch alone.

After lunch, though still early, I went to Inside Out (IO) already, supposedly to start my devotion and study. However, I ended up surfing the internet.

During the IO service, the message was from Matthew 14:22-34 (The Storm, Jesus, and Peter). The speaker was a mentee, a new college graduate, a youth. Wow!

Last Friday IO's service, the message was from Ephesians 2:1-9 (Is Living in Sin Really Living?). The speaker was a college student, too. However, she said a mistake, "Paul hates God." Paul did not hate God. He was a scholar, a teacher of the law, a priest. He did hate Christians. That was where the young speaker made a mistake.

I pray, my home church, would someday have many young leaders that we don't have to be too dependent on our pastors and elder leaders, the Ahias and Achies.

I have nothing to say about those two messages, but I recorded the messages, embedded above. Like I said, I have not been in the mood. No mood, no words, less expression.

Sunday, Aug 12 2012 (Travel)

At 8AM, I went to my home church. Thinking I might be able to read, I still brought my book. When I arrived, I hesitated going to the sanctuary to observe the Sunday School Sunday and thought to rather stay in the church office and read my book. However, not too long later, I went to the balcony to watch the Sunday School. I was able to read 3 pages of book until the Sunday School started.

Was I annoyed when I saw my ex-mentor. I thought, "Why is she here? She's not part of the Sunday School." Then later I found out, she was going to be her "boyfriend" pastor's assistant. Well, I left the sanctuary before they even started their message.

The church service would start at 10AM, there was still an hour left, so I just hang around with "friends". I thought, "I will leave after the service and attend to another church." But when the church service ended, I was no longer in the mood to go out and attend another church, especially that the day was hot. Some people also wished me to join the Sunday School lunch.

I joined the lunch and their post-lunch fellowship. When the commitment cards were passed, I didn't take one and sign because I would be taking a rest from my home church. I was only there for the Sunday School. By the way, the message today was taken somewhere in Joshua, in relation to promoting Sunday School or the purpose of Sunday School.

I am sorry but I was not quite listening. I listened but I didn't remember much. It was about parents on kids, teachers on students...literally. It was like, "this isn't for me." But I related it to my mentors or teachers or pastors, even my ex-mentor, and I was the kid.

Anyway, after lunch, I went out with four "friends". We're not really close. We went to a tea house, they bought milk tea, and then we played Monopoly Deal. It was fun, and it was my first time.

After three games, I had to go, join Inside Out, a ministry of another church reaching out for the youth. And this was where my day ended great. A message which convicted and reminded me of God's grace. Click here to read.

God's Design of Love (Journal)

Attended Inside Out the second time, the message today is fromt the verse Romans 5:8,
but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Then speaker led us to our usual role models, imperfect models:
1. Publicized Model (Daniel and his friends)  Daniel 1:1-10
    - The king was the supposed role model in this story, but because of the king's food, the young men weren't healthy-looking unlike David and his friends who only ate according to God's Design.
2. Peer Culture (Noah and the Ark) Genesis 6:2 - 8:22
    - As years went by, the dress code of before was more modest than today.
    - In Noah's time, people were wicked. They followed only what their peers do.
3. People of the church (Eli and his sons) 1 Samuel 2:12-36
    - Eli's sons were wicked. They were priests but were disobedient against God whom they served.

People, even those whom we look up to, may have wronged us and we have been short of their love.

Yet God, who is our Creator and whose love is perfect, has sent Jesus to be a ransom for us who are sinners, guilty to be thrown to hell.

My thoughts:
God. I am not growing in Christ anymore. I hate my ex-mentor, my Big Sister, so much. I cannot forgive her nor I can even repent of my unforgiving and unrepentant heart to you. Reading your word has become an effort.

Dear God. I am becoming indifferent to your love. With this limited, logical, concrete mind that I have, it is hard to envision what you have done for me, envision grace and your love.

Dear God. I ask for guidance. I ask for an accountability. Bring me back to your worship. If it is your will, let me change on how am I to deal with Achi. Or how to mend my trust and relationship with her. It is hard to trust for I am afraid to be hurt and left alone. It is hard to even look at her. I don't want to see her neither do I want to leave my home church. Even though she's a bad pastor, I pray God, open her eyes and know you more and take accountability of her responsibilities as a pastor, a mother in church, and a Big Sister. I have not right to judge her. I have no right to condemn her though she has condemned me by her judgments against me. I have not willpower to forgive her, but forgive her dear God for her flaws.

God. I pray for help. You know I can't do this alone. Please send help. God. Let me have a job as well. If it is your will, let me have a job with Toyota. Let me have a job. I am tired sending my applications already. Please dear God. I ask for guidance to your Word and your Kingdom. In Jesus' extraordinary, beyond all thoughts, name. AMEN.

Visited Home Church & Left Angry

Last Monday, I joined Bible Study in my home church. And Wednesday, I went to my home church again to help for the Sunday School celebration decors. People asked of me for I had been away too long (so far, only 2 weeks). From my being discreet, people had gotten to know because though I tried not to tell the whole truth, they still sensed something not right, that I was "somehow" leaving.

AND!! @#$%!! I saw my ex-mentor, my enemy.

I don't like to see her. I hate her. I am not forgiving her nor I am repentant either.

Pastor: Are you exasparating your spiritual children?

I attended the prayer meeting that Wednesday for only 15 minutes. She was the presider. I was feeling imprisoned by her presence. I was looking for a reason to leave until my mother (also my enemy) called. "Voila! I found my reason."

As I got home (and before writing this), I sent hate letters to my ex-mentor.

It is because of these two mothers (biological and spiritual) that I am going rogue from my home church.

(And I may visit again this week to continue helping for the Sunday School. Hope I don't see her.)

Sylvester Stallone (Lone Ranger Christians)

Sylvester Stallone, who played Rocky and Rambo in the movies, told a group of pastors, "Living without the church is like working out without a trainer. You need to have the expertise and guidance of someone else. You can't train yourself. I feel the same way about Christianity."

"The church is the gym of the soul, " Stallone continued. "Pastors are like trainers that guide you through difficult times and take you to places you don't believe you can go. A lot of people say, 'I can do it on my won, I have a one-on-one relationship with God.' Well, it's not quite the same... The more I turn myself over to the process of believing in Jesus, listening to His Word and having Him guide my hand, the more I feel as though the pressure is off me now."  (Christian Becker, Just a Minute)

Sunday, Aug 5 2012 (Travel)

So this is my second Sunday away from my home church, but my first Sunday to start spending time alone to have a connection with God...in McDonalds.

McDonalds is my favorite fastfood and one of its branches is my favorite location. I have no other places to hangout like this other than my home church. I am here with strangers. This is better because strangers cannot disturb other strangers but when I see familiar faces, I cringe and try to hide my face and act like I don't see them.

I left home at 8am so my family would think I left for church. They didn't know what my plans were. They no longer went to church, but their church was the TV with Charles Stanley.

I started reading with Moms Magazine, which I wrote/blogged my reflection here (R-18). I then did my devotion with Exodus 23-24. However, the morning had ended, I had to go to join the 3rd service with Christ's Commission Fellowship (CCF). It was okay but I was drifting to sleep. I think this was my first time to nap in a church service..no offense. After service, the congregation went home. I thought, maybe their small groups had more fellowshipping.

I then went to a spa for a foot reflexology. Had been wishing it for months. Now, I need a back massage for carrying a backpack filled with my netbook, books, and handouts of study guides. Hence, baptizing myself as a Spiritual Backpacker, walking around the city.

I then joined Inside Out City Gathering (IO) again. I liked this place.

During the day, I couldn't help but fell tears when I joined these fellowships especially during praise & worship. The songs were all for and about God. Even the song like Everyday (It's You I Live For). Big tears fell. Glad these places were dark. Also tears fell when I, a lone ranger Christian, was out joining these gatherings without knowing who these people were. Alone, I only invited myself into these gatherings, not sure what these places might bring.

Jesus Prays in Gethsemane (Journal)

The message yesterday was about Jesus praying in the Gethsemane (found in Matthew 26:36-46; Mark 14:32-42; Luke 22:39-46).

If we remember the story, usually we could remember "the spirit is willing but the body is weak". That was the case with Jesus' disciples. And we could also remember Jesus submitted to Father God, "not my will but your will be done."

In this message, I never thought about the passage like how it was taught by the speaker that night. The speaker spoke to us about the Scripture and related it with our present times now. He also explained it in Jesus' character.

That night in Gethsemane before Jesus' arrest, Jesus needed companionship. Jesus wished for his disciples, his friends to go with him as he pray in the dark, that's why he chose his three closest friends (Peter, James, John). When Jesus came back from prayer, he saw his friends sleeping while he was already in a very troubling situation. While Jesus was praying, Father God had been silent. The Bible hadn't recorded Father God to be speaking with Jesus. Jesus was feeling all lonely and scared, like a human. In the movie "Passion of the Christ", Satan was there trying to disturb Jesus while Father God was silent. Yet in the end, Jesus submitted to God and let God do as He wills.

Like Jesus' friends, our most trusted and reliable friends were usually the ones who could fail us and hurt us the most. (True!)
Like Jesus' Father, who's also our Father, could also be so silent during our most lonely and tough times. (True!) And the enemy trying to disturb us so badly that we could slip away from God's original plan.

My ex-mentor had been telling me to "submit to God" 2-3 years ago, but "submit" was just a mere word to me. I didn't understand what submission really was..until now. I'm not too much with words, words are foreign to me, my lack of communication skills. I learn more with what I see or visualize. Anyway...

I have been indifferent regarding Christianity (and it's flaws) and brotherly love. Every time I read about God's command on "brotherly love", I am disliking it...because of my painful experiences, I am not wanting to do anything about it. It hurts so much to love yet our close persons are hurting us that can break us hard.

Even my family. From the fight this today's breakfast, my family told me to "stop twisting my brain". They were accusing me that I went out far that I depleted the car's fuel, when I bought fuel and did errands. I was complaining, "How about [my brother]? Where did he go? How much did he pay for gas? I bought fuel because before I used it, it was already depleted." But, my brother left without accusations, they didn't believe me, and I was coined a jealous person. Angry, I lied I went FAR AWAY and they believed it.

When they said I had a twisted mind (YA!! I'm insane. I should be in an insane asylum. Why then do they have to let me do all this work if I'm insane?), I was also waiting for them to say, "Is that what a Christian does? Is that what your home church taught you?" I would interrupt, "I'm no longer a Christian!!" Seeing my Bible, I thought "This sucks. What's the point?" Didn't read my Bible today. Didn't eat breakfast.

I thought that after the message yesterday, "this could be a start of my journey". But then today, "Life sucks."

Inside Out City Gathering

Yesterday, I went out for errands (send my phone for fixing and buy groceries). In the afternoon, I ate to my satisfaction.

Past week, I was thinking that to add with my self-study I visit other churches or bible studies. Thought of plans: ask for phone numbers and inquire to join a BS group, ask people about schedules of their churches.  And I saw this post in Facebook, so I thought to try this. This was mostly attended by high school and college students.

Therefore, yesterday, I mentally listed this as part of my agenda of the day. However, after my errands, I stayed home, ate, internet, and watched movies. I was already feeling lazy to go out. Yet, when I was just preparing for our dinner, I suddenly knelt and my head down on the floor, praying like a Muslim. I talked to God of how I was frustrated about brotherly love, that I was no longer loving my fellow Christians. I told God I was already getting lazy. It's almost 7pm, I was late. While praying and trying to convince myself that I was sinning, I suddenly stood up and went to my room to change my clothes.

I left the unprepared dinner on the nook fearing I might get a scolding because I had not made dinner. I was also thinking of "Honor your father and mother". Yet I continued on. Got the keys. Drove the car out the garage. Locked the gate. Locked the doors. Left the gate keys where my family could find the keys when they arrived. But when I was already out the house, I noticed I left my other keys inside the car (keys to the gate and house). I was locked inside our lot and outside our house. "How can I go out? The car's outside. I'm locked."

Knowing that I could climb our gate, especially when I had no keys. I started to climb the gatewall, and thought, "Oh no! I no longer how to climb." The last time I climbed the wall could be 2 years ago. Yet finally, I was able to climb over but with an injured right wrist which I only found out minutes later.

When I arrived the place, it was traffic but I was glad to have found an unusual parking space, glad to have a small car. I climbed to the 4th floor of the building. When I arrived, I was shy, I was late, I almost didn't enter. I walked back down the stairs until I saw someone coming up the stairs and entered office space, so I followed, thinking "glad I'm not the only one late".

When I entered, I was still like "what am I doing here". I got to the front desk. Smiled at the people behind the desk. They asked me what they could do to help. I said, "I have no idea what I am doing here." Anyway, I was able to join and hear the message before it even started after the introduction.

Go to another post to know what I heard about the message, Jesus Prays in Gethsemane. Click Here.

After the message, there were songs, people raised their hands, I didn't but sang with the song leaders. After the fellowship, newcomers were called to stand up. I was among 3 people who stood up. We met with 2 other people who helped serve in IO (Inside Out). They talked what IO was all about. They said IO was open Monday-Sundays, 8am-5pm. Open for hang-outs with free Wifi. They had ministries e.g. dancing, IT/technical/multimedia, etc..(I could only remember most of the IT ministry because that's my field.)

Crystal (a City Group leader - somewhat a care group) introduced herself to me. Asked if I could join a city group and if I join this Sunday's gathering. I said "let me think about it" about the city group, and "probably" with the Sunday gathering. Then we departed. Back home.

Today, while I was cleaning the house, I was thinking, maybe I could volunteer there at IO better than in my Uncle/Auntie's office which I didn't do much. And because my home church couldn't provide what I wished for, IO could be promising.

I may regularly join this and maybe volunteer there and join their IT-Multimedia ministry.

Lone Ranger Christian (start)

So this is my first post since this blog was first created in June 2012.

The original title is "Walking Thru The Bible" with a URL of walkthrubible.blogspot.com. As the title had said, the original purpose of this blog was to journal what I could learn as I study the Bible on my own.

However, I hadn't started writing and doing what I first planned. So, I changed the title to "Lone Ranger Christian" with a URL of loneranger29.blogspot.com. I got that name as I was talking to the author of Grace Online Library through his Youtube video - Thoughts on Young Calvinists / Young Restless & Reformed. You could find our conversation in the earlier comments where the author mentioned the three words "Lone Ranger Christian".

I, personally and honestly, disagree to be a lone ranger Christian. Yet, the purpose of this website is to journal my journey as I rest from my home church, catch up with my readings, try to study the Bible alone on my own (not really a good idea!), enroll with the Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary Free Online Theological Education Program, visit/observe/(probably) join the ministries/etc some churches in my city, and really widen the vision and perspective about Christianity because my (narrow) focus is only home church, home church, home church.

I have made the decision to rest from my home church for awhile because I am discouraged, stressed at home and church, no job, and no mentor. Yet, what really pushed me to decide this is because I am avoiding my ex-mentor who, sadly, can no longer cater to my spiritual needs anymore. I am getting frustrated too because our connection is no longer the same since our conflict (that's another long story), disqualified me to help out in the Youth Ministry (disqualified to be trained and equipped in the ministry), and because she has been denying me to be taught of the Bible. Moreover, what pushed me more is my longing to be mentored with the Bible; be guided through the (full-time/future) ministry; answers to my theological questions, answers to my life questions especially about the world, social life, people because I may be book smart but I am not people smart; and a friend and confidante. (And wishing for a rekindled & reconciled relationship with my ex-mentor who is my Big Sister or mother-in-church.)

I also need this rest because I may not be able to do the things I have mentioned two paragraphs ago. I choose Sunday to do these. I need Sunday. Because from Monday to Saturday, I have barely a nice, great time alone just to sit down and do these things. I also wish to separate myself from people. Based from my experience with my friend and Big Sister, I am scared to have deeper relationships because when trust is broken, it hurts pretty bad, and trusting again is hard especially getting hurt and neglected again many times.

This act and decision of mine can be a disobedient, disbelieving, unforgiving, and an unrepentant behavior, and I am sorry, yet I really wish to rest and subtract the stresses that I am having. I wish to de-stress. I know I am breaking the commandment on brotherly love, yet, my plan, I need to stay away for awhile. This is also hard because I am welcoming pride and selfishness, and taking things in my control. I am really famished.

I would relate myself with this verse:

Revelation 2:2-4 (ESV)
"I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. (brotherly love)

I am sorry, God.

Also, I pray, though staying can be glorifying God more because in suffering, I am staying and enduring...I pray that God may still be glorified as I go out and spread my wings. Search why do I battle between leaving  from God's call for full-time ministry and staying to learn and be equipped for the ministry. I mean, "Why am I doing this (full-time) thing? Where's the support...I am all alone? Why do I have to face so many things alone when I am praying for companionship, accountability, teaching, and guidance from a mentor? Why God and others, why can't it be easily just God and me? What the point of all this?"

May I learn well. May I have my passion back. May things go well someday.

May I also get a great job. I want to be independent from everyone badly.


I have to sleep now. I am sleepy. I am not sure how this post has gone. I could be messing it up with my sleepiness.


Good night.