God's Design of Love (Journal)

Attended Inside Out the second time, the message today is fromt the verse Romans 5:8,
but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Then speaker led us to our usual role models, imperfect models:
1. Publicized Model (Daniel and his friends)  Daniel 1:1-10
    - The king was the supposed role model in this story, but because of the king's food, the young men weren't healthy-looking unlike David and his friends who only ate according to God's Design.
2. Peer Culture (Noah and the Ark) Genesis 6:2 - 8:22
    - As years went by, the dress code of before was more modest than today.
    - In Noah's time, people were wicked. They followed only what their peers do.
3. People of the church (Eli and his sons) 1 Samuel 2:12-36
    - Eli's sons were wicked. They were priests but were disobedient against God whom they served.

People, even those whom we look up to, may have wronged us and we have been short of their love.

Yet God, who is our Creator and whose love is perfect, has sent Jesus to be a ransom for us who are sinners, guilty to be thrown to hell.

My thoughts:
God. I am not growing in Christ anymore. I hate my ex-mentor, my Big Sister, so much. I cannot forgive her nor I can even repent of my unforgiving and unrepentant heart to you. Reading your word has become an effort.

Dear God. I am becoming indifferent to your love. With this limited, logical, concrete mind that I have, it is hard to envision what you have done for me, envision grace and your love.

Dear God. I ask for guidance. I ask for an accountability. Bring me back to your worship. If it is your will, let me change on how am I to deal with Achi. Or how to mend my trust and relationship with her. It is hard to trust for I am afraid to be hurt and left alone. It is hard to even look at her. I don't want to see her neither do I want to leave my home church. Even though she's a bad pastor, I pray God, open her eyes and know you more and take accountability of her responsibilities as a pastor, a mother in church, and a Big Sister. I have not right to judge her. I have no right to condemn her though she has condemned me by her judgments against me. I have not willpower to forgive her, but forgive her dear God for her flaws.

God. I pray for help. You know I can't do this alone. Please send help. God. Let me have a job as well. If it is your will, let me have a job with Toyota. Let me have a job. I am tired sending my applications already. Please dear God. I ask for guidance to your Word and your Kingdom. In Jesus' extraordinary, beyond all thoughts, name. AMEN.

Visited Home Church & Left Angry

Last Monday, I joined Bible Study in my home church. And Wednesday, I went to my home church again to help for the Sunday School celebration decors. People asked of me for I had been away too long (so far, only 2 weeks). From my being discreet, people had gotten to know because though I tried not to tell the whole truth, they still sensed something not right, that I was "somehow" leaving.

AND!! @#$%!! I saw my ex-mentor, my enemy.

I don't like to see her. I hate her. I am not forgiving her nor I am repentant either.

Pastor: Are you exasparating your spiritual children?

I attended the prayer meeting that Wednesday for only 15 minutes. She was the presider. I was feeling imprisoned by her presence. I was looking for a reason to leave until my mother (also my enemy) called. "Voila! I found my reason."

As I got home (and before writing this), I sent hate letters to my ex-mentor.

It is because of these two mothers (biological and spiritual) that I am going rogue from my home church.

(And I may visit again this week to continue helping for the Sunday School. Hope I don't see her.)