R-18
Issue 34 of Moms: Building the best families, a magazine of Asia Pacific Media Ministries.Reading this article, these troubled teens came from dysfunctional families (deficient parents, abusive parents, controlling parents, alcoholic parents) which led them to do illegal things. I thought:
I may not be doing drugs or doing crimes but I feel the same with these troubled teens. We may have the same causes that lead them to do bad things, and the effect which they go out looking for acceptance, belongingness, find something enjoying to do, and wishing to feel alive. And further do harm in themselves like making wrong decisions, indifferent towards friends and families, and wanting to do things our way, be independent and self-reliant, just to survive in this cruel world.
I am not doing drugs but I am longing to feel alive. Before, I tend to hurt myself by punching walls and throw my body against the walls especially when I am angry and overwhelmed with anger that I cannot buffer my agitated self and temper. I also hit my head to tolerate stressful times especially being verbally tormented. I also **********. I have ********* since 6yo.
I don't imagine of anything dirty and filthy when I do this (I have been often asked what I am thinking when I do this). I am just looking for something to feel alive. ************ may still equate to pain. Pain makes me feel alive. Pain gives much pressure on my body which makes me feel calm. Physical pain also gets me distracted from emotional pain. So I am not addicted to ************, but I am addicted to pain and harming myself.Last year, I was evaluated by my ex-mentor (aka my ex-counselor) that I might have homosexual tendencies. Referred me to a professional psychologist specializing in gender issues who happened to be an effeminate straight large man and a director of an orphanage. My ex-mentor evaluated me that because she said I was addicted to hugs and physical touches that she was feeling uncomfortable and uneasy with me, and because I was a tomboy (boyish but not lesbian).
While I was already feeling comfortable with my mentor/counselor of 3 years, slowly building my self-esteem, feeling more loved, and found belonging, she would identify me that way.
I never have sexual desires with the same sex, so I don't have homo tendencies, but she is stubborn. She wouldn't tell me she is wrong about me. Never say sorry and take back what she has said until now. So when we try to reconcile, weeks later we have conflict and again we are indifferent from each other. Yet now, it's hard to forgive & love her again, especially with withholding me the opportunities for my growth and denying me the Bible AGAIN!
Our conflict comes back, days/weeks later every after we "reconcile", maybe because I still find it hard to trust her again. I get suspiscious. I easily get frustrated if she doesn't listen to me or give me what I wish for. Her reasons are very questionable and doesn't sound reliable.
Anyway, many times I have overcome ************ (but not yet with hitting myself) because of its sensitivity and filthiness, but I relapse when I experience loneliness, being left out, rejected, abandoned, misunderstood again.
I am sorry. God I am sorry. Help me forgive. Help me be merciful with myself (whatever that means, help me know what mercy is). Let me know more of Your grace. Help me stop vibrating my private parts.
I thought my new mentor has already made me understand what is pornography and the like, why we have this, why married couples do this. Though, while listening to my new mentor, I felt uncomfortable with the topic. I could have missed out some points.
May this "self-therapy" of mine help like the therapy of one-on-one bible study with my new mentor. Because the 1-on-1 BS helped me that time from my e-mentor and experiencing the Typhoon Sendong/Washi. Learning theology. Knowing God's law. Knowing God's grace through Scriptures. Expositional Bible Study/preachin/teaching.
