Can this new struggle be a new direction I have to take?
It seems that I can't back out from this going to China because parents are on my neck reminding me about it. I have a hard time planning, choosing, and deciding. I am scared and rely so much on others. I am still struggling how to work out with my 1yo current job: how I am to live a holy (and be a salt and light) life in my workplace where I work as a multimedia person who spends most times infront of the computer.
I struggle to escape from my parents demands. This study-and-teach in China is, well, almost close to my heart, but my parents promptings are becoming like hell. I choose to change my career to teaching because I really want to develop teaching and learn Mandarin, but my parents are making it hard for me. I wish they stop demanding so much and not even doing anything about it. That's not support, but more like hell.
Father, I am to trust you with all my heart and not lean on to this limited self-centered understanding of mine. Enable me to remember that in all my ways I am to acknowledge you.
Father, I am your beloved girl, but a rebel. I am so sorry. Father, I want nothing but you. I want to be close to you, be where you are, be able to hear more of you. Father, if it is you permit me to go to China, help me how to do this, give me wisdom. May your will be done in me and may I learn to live this life according to your will. Father, I still don't know so much about this world. Help me grow. Enable me, give me wisdom how to make use of my time. I am afraid to be reading books in the office because I don't want my office mates to think I am not busy, so I busy-body myself on the computer (Facebook) to lie to them that I am working. Forgive me. Give me the courage to study at work when I am not busy.
Father, may I lay myself to you. Give me strength to work every day satisfied and contented in you, glorifying you in whichever circumstance I am until I die. Forgive me of my discontentment. Give me wisdom. Enable me to know you more. In Jesus' name. Amen.
